It's not Poverty but lack of Life Skills

Poverty had never bothered him or his family. They lived within their means and lived with happiness. A family of four, both his parents worked. Father in a lathe factory and mother in a garment factory. He was in school and his sister was completing college. It was a frugal existence and a happy one. The family decided to take a small loan to support his sister's marriage. Both the parents had regular jobs so they were confident they will be able to repay it over time. Marriage was a simple and happy ceremony. 

Jacob was a bright student at school and loved by his teachers. He was a natural leader and took on many responsibilities in his school. He joined the Dream a Dream Life Skills Programmes through his school and thrived as he discovered his true potential. He also found his passion for Rugby through Dream a Dream and became one of the best Rugby players in the team. Rugby taught him resilience, discipline, looking out for each other, supporting his team mates and most importantly learning to get up when thrown down. He and his band of friends even started their own Rugby Community Club, coaching children in their slum next to a sewer. Children looked up to Jacob and his friends as role models and dreamed of growing up to be like them. Jacob completed school with flying colours and had dreams of going to college and playing Rugby for India. 

In a span of six months since he joined college, both his parents were diagnosed with acute diabetes and both of them lost their jobs. His parents tried to keep their stress away from Jacob but as the demands of debtors and the need to support a family became difficult, they reached out to Jacob for support. Overnight, his life turned around. He became the sole bread winner for the family and had to deal with the mounting debts and also take care of his ailing parents. He became an adult. 

What choices does a young man of 18 have in such circumstances? How does one make choices that are life altering at that age? Do we even have the maturity to make those choices? Jacob struggled with the same questions. It was time to test the Life Skills that he had developed. Once Jacob was out of the initial shock of becoming an adult overnight, he calmed down and reached out for advice from his mentors and coaches. He got a lot of good advice that helped him think through his options and make an informed choice. 

Jacob decided to drop out of college. It was a difficult decision but one that he had to make. He was working as a part-time Life Skills Facilitator and decided to apply for a full-time role. He decided to take on couple of additional jobs in the evening and over the weekend. He made a list of debtors and prioritized them. He learnt to renegotiate with some of them and buy more time. He was certain that he will clear all the debts because these people had supported his family in good faith and they deserved to have their money back. He learnt to communicate all his decisions with his family and seek their counsel. He was in constant touch with his mentor reaching out to him for advice and support. He managed to get some interest free loans and some contributions to reduce the burden of debt and mounting interest. He made monthly budgets and learnt to walk a tight rope of expenses for a whole year till he could clear some of the more critical loans. 

He had to also let go of his passion - Rugby. He knew it was temporary and he will jump right in when things were better. He got a full-time role and he knew he had to be the best since he could not afford to lose this job. He worked hard and worked longer hours. He learned well and became the best at his job. 

Today, Jacob is stable. Life continues to challenge this young man. His ailing parents need constant medical care. His dad has not managed to get work since he lost his job. He lost his grandfather recently and has an ailing grandmother. More that 50% of his monthly salary goes in clearing loans every month. Yet, the smile never leaves Jacob. He is doing extremely well at his job and has managed to participate in a few Rugby tournaments, slowly getting back to his passion. He still dreams of completing college one day. 

Looking back, I am grateful that Jacob had an opportunity to develop the Life Skills that he so needed to get through one of the most difficult life experiences. When working with young people coming from adversity, we have learned that its not poverty that holds them back. It's the lack of abilities to help them overcome life situations that poverty throws at them. We understand Life Skills as, "abilities for positive and adaptive behaviour that help an individual deal with challenges of daily living." 

It was the Life Skills that Jacob had that helped him overcome his life situation. He didn't crumble, he didn't give up. He used this ability to seek support, he negotiated, he learnt to interact with others, he learnt to take initiative, he learnt to manage his own emotions, he learnt empathy for himself, his family and his debtors. He learnt to make tough choices, stay resilient and happy through those choices. Jacob taught me the true meaning of empowerment - that which enable people to take charge of their lives. 

Holding Space for Failure

She was young, feisty, confident and all of 14. Rare traits in young people that come from adversity. She shone through the first two days of the camp like she belonged here. The nurturing environment fueled her creative confidence and helped her achieve new milestones. Her learning edge was challenged and she always loved a good challenge. 

Day 3 is usually a Youth Led Day at camp where young people are encouraged to lead workshops for their peers. She signed up to lead an art workshop. Known for her discipline, she prepared well. She had thought through her workshop, played it over many times in her head. She felt confident and was positive that she will sail through. 

The workshop tanked. She lost her confidence when she fumbled through her instructions. She struggled with some steps and it became all chaotic and messy. She lost her composure and just about managed to complete the allotted time. However, she saw something strange. No one left her workshop or abandoned her. No one sneered at her. Her peers, whom she didn't know well, held space for her and for her failure. 

Post the workshop, she cried and poured her heart out. She had never felt so much support before, definitely not when she had failed. She had grown up in an environment where success was expected of her. Being a girl, she had to fight harder to earn success and each success brought with it pressure to perform better. She didn't realize, she was holding herself back from being her best because she had become too scared to fail. There was no support for failures in her environment. 

Yet here, she had failed and no one had abandoned her. She realized she had permission to fail and in her failure she had achieved the biggest success of her life. She had learnt to not let failure destroy her. Her peers ensured that failure gave her strength. They held space for her to fail. Her tears were tears of joy and realization. She had a transformative life experience. 

According to Heather Plett, "Holding Space means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control."

This young woman experienced the power of Holding Space when she was going through her journey and it helped her discover things that she had no permission to feel before. This young woman is the embodiment of the power that each of us holds within us as human beings - the power to be empathetic towards ourselves and others.

The outdoor experiential camps at Dream a Dream use the Life Skills Approach to help young people transform and discover their true potential. One of the core tenets of these camps is to Hold Space for young people as they go through her personal journeys and discoveries. Since 2002, thousands of young people have discovered their confidence, resilience, empathy, creativity through these outdoor experiential camps.

Letting go! Am I ready?

My spate of health issues have continued through the year. It's been nine months now and I continue to grapple with persistent health issues. It is the longest I have been ill ever in my life. A recent realization is emerging as I am learning to quieten down. Are my persistent health issues this year  largely around things I don't have control over?

Let me explain. If you have a viral fever, a cold or a cough or even something more serious. Usually, you have control over the duration and/or course of action to deal with the illness. Moreover, there is certainty to the symptoms and impact it will have on your body. I realize my illness has been different.

I caught a stomach bug in early March and since then, without warning, I have bouts of vomiting and dizziness. It can happen at any moment and usually I am unable to establish the trigger. The doctors took six months to diagnose it as Helicobacter Pylori Infection (H Pylori) whose symptoms are recurring bouts of vomiting. I would be sitting working in office and I could have an attack. I could be watching a movie and a sudden sense of dizziness and nausea would lead to extended bouts of vomiting draining me off energy for the rest of the day. Some days would end with this while others would start with it.

A month back, I was diagnosed with Chronic Vertigo. Again, something totally out of my control. I could be walking on the street or working or just sitting a home doing nothing and I would suddenly have my world turn upside down and I would need to sleep it off for a few hours.

I have had to cancel meetings, travel plans, work schedules, meeting friends and family. My life has come to a stop. My day starts and ends with anxiety around this uncertainty. Will I get an attack today? Will I be around people who can care for me? Will I embarrass myself in front of strangers? Will it be manageable or will I need to go to the hospital? Have I taken on my medicines? What if it is more severe than last time?

Anxiety rules my day!

I kept wondering what this means? To have an illness that I don't have any certainty or control over. It could occur anywhere and at anytime without warning.

I wonder if it is giving me a message around letting go? Letting life lead me on; learning to give up control; learning to let go to things I am holding onto; learning to take it slow; learning to trust life; learning to trust my caregivers and learning to seek help.

I wonder if I am taking longer to heal because I am holding on; scared to let go?

Maybe, instead of my illness, I should focus on my inner churn. I should focus on letting go!!

My Own Golden Cage

I started my year with an illness and over the last 3 months have had a spate of health issues. Health issues that have forced me to work from home, work less hours, visit doctors, take medication and reassess my lifestyle. In some sense, it was long coming.

I know it's not burn out. It's been years since I worked weekends, long hours or late nights. I start work at ten in the morning and usually leave office by sixty thirty in the evening. I rarely work weekends. So, I know it's not work.

I have had sufficient ups and downs as a non-profit entrepreneur and built some resilience around conflicts at work, pressures of goals and impact and erratic funding cycles. I do realize my risk appetite has come down. I also realize that I am not out to change the world NOW, that too single-handedly. I have a more balanced, patient and pragmatic view of my work and my approach to impacting lives in the world. I know this work requires a lifetime and more and I am willing to make that investment.

My wife says, there is a churn that is happening in my being and my body is manifesting the shifts through these illnesses. She is usually right about these things. Though, I am not sure what shifts are happening in my being and why these shifts are manifesting through different illnesses.

On the contrary, I watch my wife who is also my journey partner at work. She is surging ahead with confidence and love in her life journey. She loves work, understands her body, listens to her body, mind and heart and makes healthy choices. Over the last few years, she has nurtured her soul and continues to do so with many creative practices. She does quilling, zen-tangles, arts and crafts, paintings and puzzles. All creative practices that quieten her mind, give her personal space for reflection, bring balance in her life, make her centered and keep her happy and engaged with life. She is great at taking care of herself and saying NO. At work, I notice she is able to give more of herself to people and her role. She is turned-on about what we are doing and is able to inspire, motivate and more importantly empower the team. She is supremely self-aware and is able to create an amazing space for reflections, learning and personal growth to happen.

She has been urging me to take up a creative practice to heal my soul and my body. I know she is right. Yet, I resist it.

I enjoy nature and yet I hardly spend anytime in nature. I love meeting friends and yet I have been putting off meeting friends for months now. I plan to call and meet and then vegetate through the weekend or distract myself with to-do-lists of errands. I had nurtured my interest in reading last year but this year, I have avoided taking up books to read. I love writing poetry and yet find reasons not to write. Friends have invited me join play groups for some physical exercise, I complain about not being able to get up in the morning. Recently, a dear friend sent me a colouring book for adults. I watch it at my table and have been avoiding picking it up. Yoga and meditation has been recommended to me. I am avoiding it.

I see the impact. I am not working to my potential.

My week starts with to-do lists from work and my weekends start with to-do lists on the personal front. The never-ending, ever expanding to-do lists. Even reaching and connecting with family and friends goes into my to-do list now and then I detest doing it because now it's just a task - not something I really want to do because it nurtures me.

It's like a protective shield around me that is preventing me from expanding, exploring and discovering the magical me. My self-built golden cage.

I see myself constantly living in guilt. Guilt of not nurturing my being; not giving myself importance. Putting myself first. The paradox, though, is that when I do put myself first, I feel guilty for not being there for family, friends and colleagues. I feel selfish and self-centered. I have got caught into a vicious web of resistances and limiting beliefs.

I wonder why I resist being kind and gracious to myself. I wonder why I resist an opportunity to nurture myself; to take a break; to do nothing, to go away for sometime; to give myself and my body rest. I wonder what are the resistances that hold me back from living my potential. The self-limiting belief systems that become me and gnaw away at me - slowly and steadily.

With so much suffering that I see, listen to and receive around me. Do I keep myself miserable so I can relate and empathize with the suffering of others who come into my life?

Do I feel guilty for living a life of privilege and happiness and hence find ways to stay in pain and suffering?

Is it because I grew up with watching my parents struggle and having received messages (consciously and unconsciously) that life is a struggle, have I embraced this approach to life?

Do I have it in me to accept myself for my awesomeness? Be bold and unapologetic for being Me? Embrace the idea that nurturing myself is part of this work and life. Accept happiness in equal measure to pain and suffering. Be kind and empathetic to myself for only then I can authentically be empathetic towards another human being. Do I have it in me to break out of my golden cage?

I hope expressing it is the first step towards changing the narrative of my life.

I Seem To Have Forgotten What Excitement Looks Like

How do you show excitement, I asked a group of participants at a recent workshop. Mime it. As the participants showed the vibrancy and diversity of their expressions of excitement, I realized the circle will soon come to me and I wondered how I would show excitement. I drew a BIG blank. I attempted to jog my memory from my near or distant past and I got none. My mind didn't have a memory, my heart could not recollect the feeling and my body could not express excitement. I drew a blank.

I made a meek attempt when my turn came but the thought left me disturbed. When was the last time I was truly excited and showed it. I am still struggling as I write this a few days later.

I am attempting to relive memories that would ideally make me happy and excited. A young man graduating, a young girl getting her dream job, a bunch of young boys winning a rugby tournament, a young man sharing this dream with a glow on his face, a group of teachers expressing gratitude at how our work has changed their lives forever, a tough fundraising bid that came through. Nothing! Nada!

How about memories from my personal life? Watching my favourite movie, reading my favourite comic, a stroll in the forest, making a loved one happy, going out with friends, making a new friend, visiting a new country/city, eating my favourite food, trying a new cuisine, listening to a dear friend, watching a friend's child take their first steps. Nothing! Nada!

All supremely happy moments that make up our daily lives and I have plenty of them. Enough to fill a book. Yet, when I think about if they truly make me happy, if they make me jump with joy or even just express something with my eyes....and I can't seem to remember! I am drawing a blank around what excitement looks like for me.

When was the last time I did a high five, jumped a hoop, screamed with joy, showed a real emotion of elation or achievement? I can't seem to remember.

Is it bad not to know; not to remember? It is temporary or I have begun to view life and its events with a certain stoicism? I wonder?

Is the joy for life waning? Did I ever have it? If I did, where, when and how did it disappear? Maybe, it's not that bad not having it. I don't know. Am I missing it? I don't know. I want to say 'yes' but seems like I am alright not having it.

Am I scared of it? Am I scared of happiness? I don't know. Saying 'yes' seems like an easy justification. Saying, I don't know makes me curious and wanting to observe myself more closely. 

2015: A Letter to Myself

I haven't been the right space of mind lately. An idea has been running in my mind to write a letter to myself and at the end of it, discover what it tells me. so, here goes...  

~ The year saw my elder sister take the entrepreneurial route, not so much out of her choice, as much as how some incidents played out in her life. It meant investing all her hard-earned savings of the last 15 years and take a complete detour from her life plan. She has been unrelenting in her resilience to stay the course, learn a new business, stay grounded and work tremendously hard to attempt to make it work.

~ My younger sister took the other plunge and got married to the love of her life. The year started with a beautiful and memorable wedding and it was just so amazing to see her traverse the first year of marriage with such grace. The love she and her husband share, the respect for each other and how they hold each other in their hearts is just beautiful. In all this medley, she continues to run her new business and learn the ropes of entrepreneurship.

I don't say this often but my sisters are an inspiration and role models to the many women who choose to walk with their head held high.

~ My best friend had a baby girl. I am over the moon and just so happy for them. She is just so adorable and it's even more adorable to see the doting parents. The first time I held her, I went weak in my knees and felt committed to create a better world for her. 

~ One of my closest friends got married to someone who brings just so much happiness in her life. They remind of the simplicity and eternity of love. I wish them the best of life and happiness. 

~ Reconnecting with my school mates, many of them after 21 years. The un-adulterated laughter, sheer happiness, many memories and deep connections we are sharing has helped me go back to my happy place in childhood. 

~ My travels (which I love) took me to Dubai, Copenhagen and Singapore for the first time this year. Dubai was about reconnecting with friends. Singapore was about discovering food and local communities. Copenhagen was just an amazing personal holiday combined with a conference. 

~ Reconnecting with my friends in Dubai and meeting their children for the first time. Feeling loved and cared for. I felt a deep connection to their 6-year old daughter and in her found the curiosity and yearning that life has for itself. She gives me so much hope for the world and made me feel alive with empathy and love. A bond we share today, that goes beyond age, to our souls. 

~ Continuing my exploration of food and getting more confident with my cooking. Food, its history, its culture, its connections and the love it brings within people and families. Excited to explore this part of me in 2016. I feel proud of the history and love for food that I have inherited from my family.

~ Seeing one of my closest friends make a graceful and most amazing transition from her organization and through the pain of it all, discovering the expanse that life holds for her. She taught me humility and grace in letting go. Thank you for considering me trustworthy to be part of this inner journey.

~ Being part of another friend's journey to take on leadership in her organization. Fighting her demons and winning them over; building her confidence and holding herself with dignity though the journey was a lesson in self-belief. 

~ Learning about a dear friend and mentor's illness was devastating. Feel overwhelmed and helpless. Yet, in this difficult time, he just shares joy, happiness and laughter with the world. He gives us the gift of his sharing and in making us part of his journey, he helps us cope with our own pain. 

~ Dream a Dream hosted its first ever conference - Change The Script. Our attempt to go deeper with our inner journeys, ask the difficult questions, listen to each other without judgment and build a larger eco-system invested in our children. The buildup was painful but the outcomes was awe-inspiring.

~ Change at Dream a Dream also came with a whole new brand launch. Our attempt to celebrate 15 years of hardwork with being bold and unapologetic with our ideas, approaches and work. This was combined with the move to a new office - More spacious, airy, colourful and living the bold and unapologetic message. 

~ Experiencing the power of young people in Changing The Script and claiming their dreams through the immense, often unfathomable, challenges that life throws at them. Being part of this extremely difficult journey with especially 4 young graduates this year from Dream a Dream showed me the power of just backing them, trusting them and willing them on follow their dreams. Vishnu, Nandish, Ranjith, Arun - you held me together.

~ Watching Suchetha live one of her best professional years yet and really show up with her soul was just the most heartening aspect of 2015. She today holds the soul of Dream a Dream together and she does it with so much care and empathy. The result is in the most amazing team we have; people who have turned corners and discovered their most awesome self; new people who have found purpose and many more who can't wait to be part of this journey. When I see Suchetha, she shows me the kind of leadership we need in this world today - that of care, empathy and deep personal work. She lives it daily and is the best representation of that in the work of Dream a Dream today.

~ 2015 is the year I say (and have said many times) that Dream a Dream is doing its best work ever. 15 years of trying, very hard and with intention and we are just about discovering that true, sustainable change happens only with taking young people and adults through their own journeys of transformation. We stay true to the path of truth and our only commitment is to solve the problem. Every moment of everyday, we have seen, heard and experienced powerful moments of transformation in 2015. 

 ~ This year Suchetha and myself also complete 2 years of being married. It has not being without its share of doubts, challenges and questions. We have shown each other the worst within us and yet felt safe that only we can see the worst of each other and be in love. In all our turmoils, we have given each other dignity and respect and that has kept us together. We also know that when we are in sync, we are amazing. Our best inner work and our best ideas happen when we are one soul in two bodies. We crave for those moments and when they happen, its magical. We are unstoppable and we love it. 

It's been a difficult year for me. Many internal turmoils, moments of doubts, boredom, immense helplessness and many a time overwhelming shock. World events and events closer to home have deeply impacted me and paralyzed me. I feel trapped and many a time, purposeless. On days, I find myself unable to even move beyond my couch. Suchetha has held me close in these moments and given me strength. Dream a Dream has helped me stay sane and the young people have given me hope. Everyday, I hold onto something to help me get through. Boy! Am I glad I have found something every day. 

Looking back, I realize how amazingly full and rich with milestones and experiences my year has been. Family, friends, mentors and strangers who have held me close and supported me. 

In 2016, I hope I can find within me the ability to let go of the gloom and embrace the simplicity that life continues to offer. As I recently read in an inspiring book about a 100-year old man, "Whatever will be, will be"!