A Decaying Society

A six-year old brutally gangraped, intestines removed and then murdered. A dalit man thrashed to death because he didn't remove his slippers while walking through an upper-cast neighbourhood. A man severely injured in a drunken pub brawl when a group assumed the man belonged to a different State. A young girl kidnapped, raped, murdered and eaten by a couple in the hope of conceiving a child when someone told them that they will be able to have a child if they ate the organs of a child. 

These form the predominant news in a national daily this week. These are, for me, all signs of a society and species in unfathomable decay. Over the years, I have felt this gnawing sense of a decaying society around me as values of compassion, love, empathy, care, truth, justice have rotted. Ofcourse, there are cases of human kindness, empathy, love and care. But, they are so few that we need to celebrate them like we are trying to hold onto the last few shreds of a fast burning rope on a bridge. 

The Himalayas have become a stockpile of human trash, pristine rivers drying up faster each year. Plastic and human waste found on the insides of sea and land life as human trash becomes fodder for the millions of animals and birds who have lost their habitats and thriving eco-systems. Rich mangroves been destroyed to build four-lane highways, coastal belts succumbing to man's need for more and more land. Vibrant western ghats torn down to make space for railways to transport the 'gold' of a developing nation called Coal. Tribal belts taken over with spurious legislation to mine rich minerals for a hungry country seeking to make it presence felt in the superficiality of global super powers. 

It is a decaying society that sees its humans and the planet just as a resource for extraction for an infinite growth paradigm.

In the privilege, I live in today, I can choose to not see the decay for it hasn't yet affected me. It is a mere inconvenience for me, something to talk about during our weekend catch-ups with friends and family. Something to share to feel angry about momentarily, give a privileged analysis of it, blame the government or a certain community for it and grab my next drink with an air of superiority that I belonged to the civilised breed. 

Yet, I feel it creeping into my bones as I feel more distrust and suspicion around me. I feel it in the anxious insecurity I feel in unfamiliar spaces. I feel it as I secure myself and my family further in gated communities, in closed homes, in air-conditioned cars and in having backup plans after backup plans to escape into my privileged cocoon when things get bad. A home in another country, a bungalow in the hills, a business in a safer country all ready to move when things will get crazy. 

I see it, I know its happening and yet this decay is not mine to own and take responsibility for. This decay is not my doing and not mine to undo. This decaying society will not affect me, might actually benefit me so let it be. 

Resilience in Adversity

In many conversations, around the world, I have had well-wishers who have always remarked that children who grow up in adversity have more resilience, so they are likely to do well in life. I have always cringed at this naïve correlation between adversity and resilience. I agree, some children growing up in adversity do have higher resilience, but that resilience needs a champion and needs a support system for it to truly help a child thrive.

A powerful way to explain this is through the story of Poorna (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poorna:_Courage_Has_No_Limit), one of the youngest girl to climb Mount Everest at the age of 13 years and 11 Months. If you haven’t seen this inspiring true story made into a movie by Rahul Bose called ‘Poorna’, do watch it and one will understand what I am trying to say.

Poorna is born and grows up in abject poverty. She has loving and supportive parents, but they don’t know much and are easily influenced by people and circumstances around them. Her first champion is her elder cousin sister who teachers Poorna her first life lessons, about not giving up, having a dream and doing everything you can to achieve your dreams. Even choosing to run away from home. It is in this relationship that Poorna’s tenacity and resilience are seeded.

Poorna’s father does put her in a government residential school but not because he is invested in her education but because he doesn’t have money to get her married immediately. When left with a choice to be in school or leave this new school (which has not been what she expected), she chooses to run away again. Not a choice made from resilience but out of disappointment. She doesn’t yet have the life skills to make a healthy life choice. Had this choice become true, she would probably have got married soon and her life trajectory would have been different.

Here she found her champion, IAS officer, Dr R S Praveen Kumar. In his very first interaction, which is beautifully captured in the movie, he shows care, respect and creates safety and trust in the relationship which helps Poorna make a different choice. One can see, she is now building her support system – Her parents, her sister and now a caring adult who is invested in all children like Poorna.

During her school break, when she is planning to come home. Her sister comes to her support again. Her sister has her back and does not want Poorna to end up with the same fate as her. She must make a difficult choice again. ‘Do I go home, and risk being married off or do I go for a rock climbing trip?’ She chooses rock climbing and life changes forever for Poorna.

Praveen opens opportunities for young people like Poorna. He visits the program. He remembers her. He talks to her with respect and care. He gives her the sense that he is backing her. Poorna’s confidence is building. Now she has more supporters. Her rock climbing instructor who is tough with her but also encouraging. He notices that Poorna is special and validates her. He teaches her new skills and new ways of being. Praveen and her instructor now start building her vision, her aspiration and the medium of rock-climbing, intrinsically rich in developing Life Skills, becomes her tool to achieve her dreams.

Praveen pushes Poorna to find her reason to climb the Everest. For a purpose is key to accomplish such a challenging task and without purpose, he knows well, that she might give up when faced with difficulty. Poorna finds her purpose in the death of her sister and then there is no turning back.

All through the story, Praveen is also deeply respectful of Poorna’s choices even if they seem different from his own choices for her. This is critical for one to be truly a champion for young people. It is to know that the goal is for young people like Poorna to learn to make their choices for resilience emerges from the difficult choices we make in life. When Poorna decides to go ack home at the death of her sister and not pursue her dream, Praveen, while disappointed, does not show it, but backs her choice. When Poorna decides to make the Everest summit despite her illness, Praveen backs her again and lets her make her own choice. This will stand in good stead for Poorna for life.

And as one can see in the movie, the rest is history. Praveen, her parents, her sister through the poignantly beautiful letter she leaves for Poorna, her instructors, her colleagues like Anand are all her champions now. They are all seeding tenacity, resilience, healthy choice making, self-awareness, critical thinking in Poorna through their interactions with her. She has a village of champions now. 

That’s how Poorna learns to soar and that’s what gives Poorna the resilience to make through the last hurdles before she finally conquers The Everest. They are all by her side through her journey.

Children like Poorna who grow up in adversity don’t naturally have resilience. They need champions. They need us. We as parents, colleagues, teachers and every single adult have the capacity to become a champion for at least one child like Poorna around us. Let’s play our role. Let’s be that Champion and then the world is truly at their feet.

Holding Space for Failure

She was young, feisty, confident and all of 14. Rare traits in young people that come from adversity. She shone through the first two days of the camp like she belonged here. The nurturing environment fueled her creative confidence and helped her achieve new milestones. Her learning edge was challenged and she always loved a good challenge. 

Day 3 is usually a Youth Led Day at camp where young people are encouraged to lead workshops for their peers. She signed up to lead an art workshop. Known for her discipline, she prepared well. She had thought through her workshop, played it over many times in her head. She felt confident and was positive that she will sail through. 

The workshop tanked. She lost her confidence when she fumbled through her instructions. She struggled with some steps and it became all chaotic and messy. She lost her composure and just about managed to complete the allotted time. However, she saw something strange. No one left her workshop or abandoned her. No one sneered at her. Her peers, whom she didn't know well, held space for her and for her failure. 

Post the workshop, she cried and poured her heart out. She had never felt so much support before, definitely not when she had failed. She had grown up in an environment where success was expected of her. Being a girl, she had to fight harder to earn success and each success brought with it pressure to perform better. She didn't realize, she was holding herself back from being her best because she had become too scared to fail. There was no support for failures in her environment. 

Yet here, she had failed and no one had abandoned her. She realized she had permission to fail and in her failure she had achieved the biggest success of her life. She had learnt to not let failure destroy her. Her peers ensured that failure gave her strength. They held space for her to fail. Her tears were tears of joy and realization. She had a transformative life experience. 

According to Heather Plett, "Holding Space means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control."

This young woman experienced the power of Holding Space when she was going through her journey and it helped her discover things that she had no permission to feel before. This young woman is the embodiment of the power that each of us holds within us as human beings - the power to be empathetic towards ourselves and others.

The outdoor experiential camps at Dream a Dream use the Life Skills Approach to help young people transform and discover their true potential. One of the core tenets of these camps is to Hold Space for young people as they go through her personal journeys and discoveries. Since 2002, thousands of young people have discovered their confidence, resilience, empathy, creativity through these outdoor experiential camps.

Letting go! Am I ready?

My spate of health issues have continued through the year. It's been nine months now and I continue to grapple with persistent health issues. It is the longest I have been ill ever in my life. A recent realization is emerging as I am learning to quieten down. Are my persistent health issues this year  largely around things I don't have control over?

Let me explain. If you have a viral fever, a cold or a cough or even something more serious. Usually, you have control over the duration and/or course of action to deal with the illness. Moreover, there is certainty to the symptoms and impact it will have on your body. I realize my illness has been different.

I caught a stomach bug in early March and since then, without warning, I have bouts of vomiting and dizziness. It can happen at any moment and usually I am unable to establish the trigger. The doctors took six months to diagnose it as Helicobacter Pylori Infection (H Pylori) whose symptoms are recurring bouts of vomiting. I would be sitting working in office and I could have an attack. I could be watching a movie and a sudden sense of dizziness and nausea would lead to extended bouts of vomiting draining me off energy for the rest of the day. Some days would end with this while others would start with it.

A month back, I was diagnosed with Chronic Vertigo. Again, something totally out of my control. I could be walking on the street or working or just sitting a home doing nothing and I would suddenly have my world turn upside down and I would need to sleep it off for a few hours.

I have had to cancel meetings, travel plans, work schedules, meeting friends and family. My life has come to a stop. My day starts and ends with anxiety around this uncertainty. Will I get an attack today? Will I be around people who can care for me? Will I embarrass myself in front of strangers? Will it be manageable or will I need to go to the hospital? Have I taken on my medicines? What if it is more severe than last time?

Anxiety rules my day!

I kept wondering what this means? To have an illness that I don't have any certainty or control over. It could occur anywhere and at anytime without warning.

I wonder if it is giving me a message around letting go? Letting life lead me on; learning to give up control; learning to let go to things I am holding onto; learning to take it slow; learning to trust life; learning to trust my caregivers and learning to seek help.

I wonder if I am taking longer to heal because I am holding on; scared to let go?

Maybe, instead of my illness, I should focus on my inner churn. I should focus on letting go!!

Do Academic Outcomes Lead to Better Life Outcomes?

When I was in school, I was told by almost all my teachers and parents that I need to study and get good grades. I listened to them because I believed them. All through my growing up years - studying, memorizing and repeating it during examinations became my sole aim. I got good results too. I was in the top 5 in my class all through school and I took pride in that. I felt special and different. I was made to believe I was above the rest who would struggle with their studies and grades. I was made to believe I will have better life outcomes because I am good at my academics.

I was discouraged from Sports or any of my other interests. I let go of sports in my 7th grade even though I was one of the fastest athletes in my class and passionate about running. My teachers told to me to spend every free hour studying. I was even assigned to labeled slow students whom I had to teach during our breaks. It is a surprise I managed to stay committed to National Cadet Corps and Karate during those last few years of school when studying was everything. It almost defined if you would be successful in life. "Do you want to be a dud like x?", "Do you want to be failure like y?". These threats worked wonders and many of us studied and forced ourselves to get good grades because we believed our parents and teachers that good academic outcomes would lead to better life outcomes?

Its been 21 years since I left school, with flying colours, ofcourse. I have been in touch with quite a few of my friends from school and many others I know of. The startling revelation has been that nearly all of us, irrespective of our grades, are doing well in our lives. Software engineers, bankers, accountants, architects, doctors, counselors, artists, army personnel, teachers, merchant navy, consultants, pastor and even an odd social worker like me. Are the top graders doing better than the rest? Not the least bit. Are the low performers struggling with life? Not the least bit. Infact, I reckon that if I track down each of my classmates from my batch of 1994, I bet each one of them will be doing reasonably well with life.

Let me also mention that we were not an elite school from any sense of imagination. Our school was as diverse as they come. Daily wage workers, contract labourers, government service professionals, private service professionals and businessmen.

We also didn't get the best education. With 60-70 students in a class and a focus only on academic outcomes, it was not that our teachers focused on each student and managed to build in them a sense of belief and confidence. I remember many of my classmates who began to fall by the wayside in their academics were looked down upon by teachers and peers. Infact, I was discouraged from being friends with some of them because teachers felt that I lose my academic focus under their influence. Seating in classrooms was organized based on academic scores too.

How then, I wonder that all of us had better life outcomes? Maybe, just maybe, there is no correlation between academic outcomes and life outcomes? Are we even willing to challenge this assumption at a time when academic outcomes are increasingly critical in a highly competitive educational environment? In an environment where the government boasts of 100% enrollment in schools and wants each kid to master languages, sciences and mathematics, could we possibly be looking at the problem all wrong? In an environment, where funders believe when more kids stay in school, study well, graduate, go to college, graduate and get a job - are we possibly missing a critical point?  Are we pushing for better and better academic outcomes when that is no strong indicator that it results in better life outcomes?

In my work today. at Dream a Dream, we are working with some of the most vulnerable young people whose academic outcomes are not nearly close to even being average. Over the last 16 years, I have seen school dropouts, poor academic performers, the labeled "duds" and "slow learners" be the most intelligent, sensitive, smart and empathetic individuals and achieve remarkable life outcomes inspite of very poor learning outcomes.

Are we looking at learning all wrong? Are we stuck to an age old system that has long become redundant in the face of a fast changing world? Are we holding onto a system that is the last bastion of a key differentiator between success and failure in a class driven society?

Are we too rigid as a society to change a system that is clearly not working? Stopped working over 2 decades ago if my class is an indicator.

I wonder. 

A Speck

We are, after all, less than a speck in the grand and ever evolving narrative of the universe. Spending a few moments at the Grand Canyon overlooking 2000 Million years of the supreme being’s story, I felt tremendously important to be a speck in this grand, magnificent story. And, also realized that the stresses we carry are just not worth it. We are only and only 80 years of tens and thousands of millions of years of an ever changing narrative. Felt relieved and much less burden. 

Taxi Drivers in Amreeka!

There is something quite engaging and beautiful about interactions with Taxi Drivers in the US. There are emigrants from other countries and there are people whose past few generations have grown up in US. 

There are whites, latinos, African americans, Asians and each have a story to share. They love conversations with their passengers and sometimes give you nuggets of wisdom that is quite brilliant.

An Indian from Haryana who has been here for just 3 years talked about how he plans from move from driving a taxi to driving trucks because there is more money and a long-term career in truck driving. An American, might be in his late sixties gives me his views on the homeless people about how they migrate from the north to the south (mostly hitchhiking) because it is warmer in the south. Which is why one sees more Homeless people in San Francisco as opposed to Seattle.

On a question I asked about discrimination against African Americans in the US, the driver said that the African Americans do not wish to mingle, they wish to stay within their own neighbourhoods and communities. This I thought was a strong statement but was fascinated to here an honest comment about how he saw it after all the diplomatic comments I had heard in many many meetings.

An Ethiopian driver realizing I was Indian went onto to mention MithunDa and Govinda, famous movie stars in India in the 90’s era and start singing “I am a Disco Dancer”. I was so pleasantly surprised and happy and totally thrilled to hear him say a few Hindi words and give me a big broad smile. I, ofcourse, didn’t want to break his excitement by saying that the above actors have long since become old and are not so popular in India anymore. I guess I wanted both of us to stay with our happy feelings.

Another time, a driver dropping us to the airport became a self-proclaimed tour guide and gave us interesting tit-bits of places along the route to the airport.

A really old driver who was once taking all of us and our bags to the airport was struggling to put our big bags into the trunk and when I offered to help him, he declined saying he will be fine. I could not see him struggling and just decided to help him anyway and without saying a word we felt a deep connection.

I have really enjoyed my cab rides and my conversations with drivers. They have entertained me, given me insights, shared their stories and their wisdom. I have felt a deep human connection with them and they have helped me feel welcome in their cabs. All I can say is, Thank You!