Second Brothers

Last week over a dinner conversation with my boys, an interesting nuance emerged. Five of the boys had younger brothers and all of them were struggling in life. I did a quick think around other boys that I have worked with and realized that I know of at least 2 other young men whose younger brothers are struggling in life.

I asked the boys what are some of the reasons that their younger brothers are struggling and these were some of the responses

'They got more attention and care from parents because they were younger.'

'While I had to support my family through struggles of poverty and earning an income, they are enjoying the fruits of our hardwork.'

'They had more freedom.'

'They grew up in a time when the family was getting out of poverty so they didn't learn responsibilities the way I did.'

'It is the case of wrong company. Once they become part of a gang of troublemakers, it is difficult to get them back on track.'

'My mother does not believe they can do anything wrong. They get pampered at home.'

All of the above sound reasonable. However, the thing that does not sit well with me is why specifically the younger brothers. Some of the younger siblings have also been to Dream a Dream programs and yet they don't seem to have developed the Life Skills needed to make healthy life choices. Whereas, their older brothers seem to have developed the Life Skills that is helping them make healthy life choices, take responsibility, be sensitive and support their families to come out of poverty.

These young men are some of the most inspiring men I know. They deal with complex issues on a daily basis. It could be medical emergencies, displacement of homes, fights in the community, loss of jobs, marriage, relationships within family, fire hazards, health hazards, risk to life, conflict with law, poverty disputes, etc. Yet, they have shown tremendous grit and resilience to move forward in life and choose to Thrive. They are changing perceptions about themselves in their families and as they are becoming bread winners in their families, they are also taking decisions on behalf of their families. It is a joy to watch them take on life with positivity.

Yet, their siblings seem to be struggling. Even their struggles seem similar. They have dropped out of school or college; they are unable to keep a job for a long-time; they are unable to decide what they want out of life; they seem to be in conflict with the law; substance abuse; they seem to be part of a group of boys similar to them.

Challenges faced by their siblings are also dragging them down in their own life journey. Recently, a young man came into conflict with the law. His older brother was also taken in custody for questioning. Then there was the emotional layer of supporting his younger brother and helping him get out of prison. This meant requiring lawyers, money and ability to negotiate with the police since law does not follow its due process anyway. He managed all of this over 2-weeks of complex conflict and I could see that at the end of it, he was broken. He didn't know if having all this resilience and positive outlook was worth it. He didn't know if anything was worth it. It took tremendous mentoring to ensure he didn't spiral down the dark tunnel.

Another young man is struggling with the challenge that his brother is into drugs - taking them and also supplying them. He is fearful for himself and his family that they might get caught in this complex web of drug peddling. Yet, another young man has a brother who just sits around at home watching television the whole day. He expects to get food on his plate, pocket money for himself, cable television for his entertainment and yet does not expect to support his family to meet his and their needs.

I don't have an insight yet but the question has taken root in my head. Hopefully, the young men themselves will be able to give me an insight that might shape our work with young people. It has helped me realize that when we work with a young person, that person is not an isolated entity. He is deeply linked to his family, community, environment and surroundings and all of them play a considerable role in influencing his BEING and who is BECOMES.

The quest continues...

2015: A Letter to Myself

I haven't been the right space of mind lately. An idea has been running in my mind to write a letter to myself and at the end of it, discover what it tells me. so, here goes...  

~ The year saw my elder sister take the entrepreneurial route, not so much out of her choice, as much as how some incidents played out in her life. It meant investing all her hard-earned savings of the last 15 years and take a complete detour from her life plan. She has been unrelenting in her resilience to stay the course, learn a new business, stay grounded and work tremendously hard to attempt to make it work.

~ My younger sister took the other plunge and got married to the love of her life. The year started with a beautiful and memorable wedding and it was just so amazing to see her traverse the first year of marriage with such grace. The love she and her husband share, the respect for each other and how they hold each other in their hearts is just beautiful. In all this medley, she continues to run her new business and learn the ropes of entrepreneurship.

I don't say this often but my sisters are an inspiration and role models to the many women who choose to walk with their head held high.

~ My best friend had a baby girl. I am over the moon and just so happy for them. She is just so adorable and it's even more adorable to see the doting parents. The first time I held her, I went weak in my knees and felt committed to create a better world for her. 

~ One of my closest friends got married to someone who brings just so much happiness in her life. They remind of the simplicity and eternity of love. I wish them the best of life and happiness. 

~ Reconnecting with my school mates, many of them after 21 years. The un-adulterated laughter, sheer happiness, many memories and deep connections we are sharing has helped me go back to my happy place in childhood. 

~ My travels (which I love) took me to Dubai, Copenhagen and Singapore for the first time this year. Dubai was about reconnecting with friends. Singapore was about discovering food and local communities. Copenhagen was just an amazing personal holiday combined with a conference. 

~ Reconnecting with my friends in Dubai and meeting their children for the first time. Feeling loved and cared for. I felt a deep connection to their 6-year old daughter and in her found the curiosity and yearning that life has for itself. She gives me so much hope for the world and made me feel alive with empathy and love. A bond we share today, that goes beyond age, to our souls. 

~ Continuing my exploration of food and getting more confident with my cooking. Food, its history, its culture, its connections and the love it brings within people and families. Excited to explore this part of me in 2016. I feel proud of the history and love for food that I have inherited from my family.

~ Seeing one of my closest friends make a graceful and most amazing transition from her organization and through the pain of it all, discovering the expanse that life holds for her. She taught me humility and grace in letting go. Thank you for considering me trustworthy to be part of this inner journey.

~ Being part of another friend's journey to take on leadership in her organization. Fighting her demons and winning them over; building her confidence and holding herself with dignity though the journey was a lesson in self-belief. 

~ Learning about a dear friend and mentor's illness was devastating. Feel overwhelmed and helpless. Yet, in this difficult time, he just shares joy, happiness and laughter with the world. He gives us the gift of his sharing and in making us part of his journey, he helps us cope with our own pain. 

~ Dream a Dream hosted its first ever conference - Change The Script. Our attempt to go deeper with our inner journeys, ask the difficult questions, listen to each other without judgment and build a larger eco-system invested in our children. The buildup was painful but the outcomes was awe-inspiring.

~ Change at Dream a Dream also came with a whole new brand launch. Our attempt to celebrate 15 years of hardwork with being bold and unapologetic with our ideas, approaches and work. This was combined with the move to a new office - More spacious, airy, colourful and living the bold and unapologetic message. 

~ Experiencing the power of young people in Changing The Script and claiming their dreams through the immense, often unfathomable, challenges that life throws at them. Being part of this extremely difficult journey with especially 4 young graduates this year from Dream a Dream showed me the power of just backing them, trusting them and willing them on follow their dreams. Vishnu, Nandish, Ranjith, Arun - you held me together.

~ Watching Suchetha live one of her best professional years yet and really show up with her soul was just the most heartening aspect of 2015. She today holds the soul of Dream a Dream together and she does it with so much care and empathy. The result is in the most amazing team we have; people who have turned corners and discovered their most awesome self; new people who have found purpose and many more who can't wait to be part of this journey. When I see Suchetha, she shows me the kind of leadership we need in this world today - that of care, empathy and deep personal work. She lives it daily and is the best representation of that in the work of Dream a Dream today.

~ 2015 is the year I say (and have said many times) that Dream a Dream is doing its best work ever. 15 years of trying, very hard and with intention and we are just about discovering that true, sustainable change happens only with taking young people and adults through their own journeys of transformation. We stay true to the path of truth and our only commitment is to solve the problem. Every moment of everyday, we have seen, heard and experienced powerful moments of transformation in 2015. 

 ~ This year Suchetha and myself also complete 2 years of being married. It has not being without its share of doubts, challenges and questions. We have shown each other the worst within us and yet felt safe that only we can see the worst of each other and be in love. In all our turmoils, we have given each other dignity and respect and that has kept us together. We also know that when we are in sync, we are amazing. Our best inner work and our best ideas happen when we are one soul in two bodies. We crave for those moments and when they happen, its magical. We are unstoppable and we love it. 

It's been a difficult year for me. Many internal turmoils, moments of doubts, boredom, immense helplessness and many a time overwhelming shock. World events and events closer to home have deeply impacted me and paralyzed me. I feel trapped and many a time, purposeless. On days, I find myself unable to even move beyond my couch. Suchetha has held me close in these moments and given me strength. Dream a Dream has helped me stay sane and the young people have given me hope. Everyday, I hold onto something to help me get through. Boy! Am I glad I have found something every day. 

Looking back, I realize how amazingly full and rich with milestones and experiences my year has been. Family, friends, mentors and strangers who have held me close and supported me. 

In 2016, I hope I can find within me the ability to let go of the gloom and embrace the simplicity that life continues to offer. As I recently read in an inspiring book about a 100-year old man, "Whatever will be, will be"!

Lakshmi - A Tribute

My earliest memory of her is probably when I was very young and I have a faint memory of seeing her outside her one room house in Nagarthpet. It was a Bangalore where the walls between the rich, middle class and the poor merged seamlessly and we all lived together with respect and dignity.

Lakshmi has been with our family from my earliest memories, followed by her two daughters who also worked in our family and then moved on to setup their own families. Not Lakshmi, we became family for her as she lived the rest of her life in our granny's home.

My impressions of her have formed from the stories I have heard my family speak, sometimes in hushed tones and sometimes in English for she knew none of it. "She has gone made since her husband died." "She has been with us from even before you were born." "She is hiding gold and jewelry in her massive trunk." "She has a lot of money stashed away somewhere." "She is like a second mother to you." "Don't laugh at her when she is talking to the air. She is an elder." "Who else will take care of her, if not us. We are her family."

As I grew up, in this large household of cousins, uncles and aunts, Lakshmi was a constant at Granny's place. She had learnt the language and often I would wonder how this visibly South Indian woman could speak such good Sindhi. She would help with household work while talking to herself or an invisible friend all day long. We laughed and giggled and troubled her for her idiosyncracies. We secretly called her mad and sometimes were scared of her when she shouted and verbally abused this invisible friend.

As I got older, she became invisible to me. I was too busy to notice or acknowledge her presence. Granny moved on, Lakshmi (sometimes called Rathnamma, as mother of Rathna - her eldest daughter) stayed on with our youngest Uncle and his family. I didn't realize when she became a family member, a grand mother to my younger cousins. She was treated with love, care and dignity and as she aged, she was well taken care of and tended to by the family.

When she came home, we would ask how she was and treat her like family. It seemed natural that his woman who had come as a domestic help into our large family had become a member of the family.

The one thing she was fond of was chewing betel nut wrapped in a betel leaf. Mom would always remember to get a pack for her when she went grocery shopping. The other thing she loved collecting were coins. Always asking for coins!

I remember once, a European friend had come home for lunch and we jokingly told her she was my wife. The first question, Lakshmi asked is if the girl can cook a meal for me. She would then fuss over why I could not find a good Indian wife and then she slowly warmed up to my friend. She was happiest when she found out I was getting married and that too, to an Indian bride. She asked for new clothes and wore them with great pride. I remember feeling the urge to seek her blessings and feeling proud to see her happy.

Yet, in my busyness of life, she was more invisible then visible. I would hear faint murmurs of her failing health and forget about it when I got distracted with everything else unimportant in life. On May 11th 2015, Lakshmi moved onto her heavenly abode. She died on her way to the hospital and our family decided to cremate her right away. She was largely invisible in my life and moved on in her own invisible quiet way. A sadness I am yet to overcome. Her true family - My uncle, aunt and his daughters were beside her.

I miss you, Lakshmi. The talkative one. The one with the invisible friend. The one who adopted us as family and became a mother and grand-mother to us. The silent one who saw all, observed all and loved all in your own special way.

Thank you for giving our family the gift of your life. Thank you for taking care of us as children and adults. For ever in gratitude.