Resilience in Adversity

In many conversations, around the world, I have had well-wishers who have always remarked that children who grow up in adversity have more resilience, so they are likely to do well in life. I have always cringed at this naïve correlation between adversity and resilience. I agree, some children growing up in adversity do have higher resilience, but that resilience needs a champion and needs a support system for it to truly help a child thrive.

A powerful way to explain this is through the story of Poorna (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poorna:_Courage_Has_No_Limit), one of the youngest girl to climb Mount Everest at the age of 13 years and 11 Months. If you haven’t seen this inspiring true story made into a movie by Rahul Bose called ‘Poorna’, do watch it and one will understand what I am trying to say.

Poorna is born and grows up in abject poverty. She has loving and supportive parents, but they don’t know much and are easily influenced by people and circumstances around them. Her first champion is her elder cousin sister who teachers Poorna her first life lessons, about not giving up, having a dream and doing everything you can to achieve your dreams. Even choosing to run away from home. It is in this relationship that Poorna’s tenacity and resilience are seeded.

Poorna’s father does put her in a government residential school but not because he is invested in her education but because he doesn’t have money to get her married immediately. When left with a choice to be in school or leave this new school (which has not been what she expected), she chooses to run away again. Not a choice made from resilience but out of disappointment. She doesn’t yet have the life skills to make a healthy life choice. Had this choice become true, she would probably have got married soon and her life trajectory would have been different.

Here she found her champion, IAS officer, Dr R S Praveen Kumar. In his very first interaction, which is beautifully captured in the movie, he shows care, respect and creates safety and trust in the relationship which helps Poorna make a different choice. One can see, she is now building her support system – Her parents, her sister and now a caring adult who is invested in all children like Poorna.

During her school break, when she is planning to come home. Her sister comes to her support again. Her sister has her back and does not want Poorna to end up with the same fate as her. She must make a difficult choice again. ‘Do I go home, and risk being married off or do I go for a rock climbing trip?’ She chooses rock climbing and life changes forever for Poorna.

Praveen opens opportunities for young people like Poorna. He visits the program. He remembers her. He talks to her with respect and care. He gives her the sense that he is backing her. Poorna’s confidence is building. Now she has more supporters. Her rock climbing instructor who is tough with her but also encouraging. He notices that Poorna is special and validates her. He teaches her new skills and new ways of being. Praveen and her instructor now start building her vision, her aspiration and the medium of rock-climbing, intrinsically rich in developing Life Skills, becomes her tool to achieve her dreams.

Praveen pushes Poorna to find her reason to climb the Everest. For a purpose is key to accomplish such a challenging task and without purpose, he knows well, that she might give up when faced with difficulty. Poorna finds her purpose in the death of her sister and then there is no turning back.

All through the story, Praveen is also deeply respectful of Poorna’s choices even if they seem different from his own choices for her. This is critical for one to be truly a champion for young people. It is to know that the goal is for young people like Poorna to learn to make their choices for resilience emerges from the difficult choices we make in life. When Poorna decides to go ack home at the death of her sister and not pursue her dream, Praveen, while disappointed, does not show it, but backs her choice. When Poorna decides to make the Everest summit despite her illness, Praveen backs her again and lets her make her own choice. This will stand in good stead for Poorna for life.

And as one can see in the movie, the rest is history. Praveen, her parents, her sister through the poignantly beautiful letter she leaves for Poorna, her instructors, her colleagues like Anand are all her champions now. They are all seeding tenacity, resilience, healthy choice making, self-awareness, critical thinking in Poorna through their interactions with her. She has a village of champions now. 

That’s how Poorna learns to soar and that’s what gives Poorna the resilience to make through the last hurdles before she finally conquers The Everest. They are all by her side through her journey.

Children like Poorna who grow up in adversity don’t naturally have resilience. They need champions. They need us. We as parents, colleagues, teachers and every single adult have the capacity to become a champion for at least one child like Poorna around us. Let’s play our role. Let’s be that Champion and then the world is truly at their feet.

Second Brothers

Last week over a dinner conversation with my boys, an interesting nuance emerged. Five of the boys had younger brothers and all of them were struggling in life. I did a quick think around other boys that I have worked with and realized that I know of at least 2 other young men whose younger brothers are struggling in life.

I asked the boys what are some of the reasons that their younger brothers are struggling and these were some of the responses

'They got more attention and care from parents because they were younger.'

'While I had to support my family through struggles of poverty and earning an income, they are enjoying the fruits of our hardwork.'

'They had more freedom.'

'They grew up in a time when the family was getting out of poverty so they didn't learn responsibilities the way I did.'

'It is the case of wrong company. Once they become part of a gang of troublemakers, it is difficult to get them back on track.'

'My mother does not believe they can do anything wrong. They get pampered at home.'

All of the above sound reasonable. However, the thing that does not sit well with me is why specifically the younger brothers. Some of the younger siblings have also been to Dream a Dream programs and yet they don't seem to have developed the Life Skills needed to make healthy life choices. Whereas, their older brothers seem to have developed the Life Skills that is helping them make healthy life choices, take responsibility, be sensitive and support their families to come out of poverty.

These young men are some of the most inspiring men I know. They deal with complex issues on a daily basis. It could be medical emergencies, displacement of homes, fights in the community, loss of jobs, marriage, relationships within family, fire hazards, health hazards, risk to life, conflict with law, poverty disputes, etc. Yet, they have shown tremendous grit and resilience to move forward in life and choose to Thrive. They are changing perceptions about themselves in their families and as they are becoming bread winners in their families, they are also taking decisions on behalf of their families. It is a joy to watch them take on life with positivity.

Yet, their siblings seem to be struggling. Even their struggles seem similar. They have dropped out of school or college; they are unable to keep a job for a long-time; they are unable to decide what they want out of life; they seem to be in conflict with the law; substance abuse; they seem to be part of a group of boys similar to them.

Challenges faced by their siblings are also dragging them down in their own life journey. Recently, a young man came into conflict with the law. His older brother was also taken in custody for questioning. Then there was the emotional layer of supporting his younger brother and helping him get out of prison. This meant requiring lawyers, money and ability to negotiate with the police since law does not follow its due process anyway. He managed all of this over 2-weeks of complex conflict and I could see that at the end of it, he was broken. He didn't know if having all this resilience and positive outlook was worth it. He didn't know if anything was worth it. It took tremendous mentoring to ensure he didn't spiral down the dark tunnel.

Another young man is struggling with the challenge that his brother is into drugs - taking them and also supplying them. He is fearful for himself and his family that they might get caught in this complex web of drug peddling. Yet, another young man has a brother who just sits around at home watching television the whole day. He expects to get food on his plate, pocket money for himself, cable television for his entertainment and yet does not expect to support his family to meet his and their needs.

I don't have an insight yet but the question has taken root in my head. Hopefully, the young men themselves will be able to give me an insight that might shape our work with young people. It has helped me realize that when we work with a young person, that person is not an isolated entity. He is deeply linked to his family, community, environment and surroundings and all of them play a considerable role in influencing his BEING and who is BECOMES.

The quest continues...

It's not Poverty but lack of Life Skills

Poverty had never bothered him or his family. They lived within their means and lived with happiness. A family of four, both his parents worked. Father in a lathe factory and mother in a garment factory. He was in school and his sister was completing college. It was a frugal existence and a happy one. The family decided to take a small loan to support his sister's marriage. Both the parents had regular jobs so they were confident they will be able to repay it over time. Marriage was a simple and happy ceremony. 

Jacob was a bright student at school and loved by his teachers. He was a natural leader and took on many responsibilities in his school. He joined the Dream a Dream Life Skills Programmes through his school and thrived as he discovered his true potential. He also found his passion for Rugby through Dream a Dream and became one of the best Rugby players in the team. Rugby taught him resilience, discipline, looking out for each other, supporting his team mates and most importantly learning to get up when thrown down. He and his band of friends even started their own Rugby Community Club, coaching children in their slum next to a sewer. Children looked up to Jacob and his friends as role models and dreamed of growing up to be like them. Jacob completed school with flying colours and had dreams of going to college and playing Rugby for India. 

In a span of six months since he joined college, both his parents were diagnosed with acute diabetes and both of them lost their jobs. His parents tried to keep their stress away from Jacob but as the demands of debtors and the need to support a family became difficult, they reached out to Jacob for support. Overnight, his life turned around. He became the sole bread winner for the family and had to deal with the mounting debts and also take care of his ailing parents. He became an adult. 

What choices does a young man of 18 have in such circumstances? How does one make choices that are life altering at that age? Do we even have the maturity to make those choices? Jacob struggled with the same questions. It was time to test the Life Skills that he had developed. Once Jacob was out of the initial shock of becoming an adult overnight, he calmed down and reached out for advice from his mentors and coaches. He got a lot of good advice that helped him think through his options and make an informed choice. 

Jacob decided to drop out of college. It was a difficult decision but one that he had to make. He was working as a part-time Life Skills Facilitator and decided to apply for a full-time role. He decided to take on couple of additional jobs in the evening and over the weekend. He made a list of debtors and prioritized them. He learnt to renegotiate with some of them and buy more time. He was certain that he will clear all the debts because these people had supported his family in good faith and they deserved to have their money back. He learnt to communicate all his decisions with his family and seek their counsel. He was in constant touch with his mentor reaching out to him for advice and support. He managed to get some interest free loans and some contributions to reduce the burden of debt and mounting interest. He made monthly budgets and learnt to walk a tight rope of expenses for a whole year till he could clear some of the more critical loans. 

He had to also let go of his passion - Rugby. He knew it was temporary and he will jump right in when things were better. He got a full-time role and he knew he had to be the best since he could not afford to lose this job. He worked hard and worked longer hours. He learned well and became the best at his job. 

Today, Jacob is stable. Life continues to challenge this young man. His ailing parents need constant medical care. His dad has not managed to get work since he lost his job. He lost his grandfather recently and has an ailing grandmother. More that 50% of his monthly salary goes in clearing loans every month. Yet, the smile never leaves Jacob. He is doing extremely well at his job and has managed to participate in a few Rugby tournaments, slowly getting back to his passion. He still dreams of completing college one day. 

Looking back, I am grateful that Jacob had an opportunity to develop the Life Skills that he so needed to get through one of the most difficult life experiences. When working with young people coming from adversity, we have learned that its not poverty that holds them back. It's the lack of abilities to help them overcome life situations that poverty throws at them. We understand Life Skills as, "abilities for positive and adaptive behaviour that help an individual deal with challenges of daily living." 

It was the Life Skills that Jacob had that helped him overcome his life situation. He didn't crumble, he didn't give up. He used this ability to seek support, he negotiated, he learnt to interact with others, he learnt to take initiative, he learnt to manage his own emotions, he learnt empathy for himself, his family and his debtors. He learnt to make tough choices, stay resilient and happy through those choices. Jacob taught me the true meaning of empowerment - that which enable people to take charge of their lives. 

Holding Space for Failure

She was young, feisty, confident and all of 14. Rare traits in young people that come from adversity. She shone through the first two days of the camp like she belonged here. The nurturing environment fueled her creative confidence and helped her achieve new milestones. Her learning edge was challenged and she always loved a good challenge. 

Day 3 is usually a Youth Led Day at camp where young people are encouraged to lead workshops for their peers. She signed up to lead an art workshop. Known for her discipline, she prepared well. She had thought through her workshop, played it over many times in her head. She felt confident and was positive that she will sail through. 

The workshop tanked. She lost her confidence when she fumbled through her instructions. She struggled with some steps and it became all chaotic and messy. She lost her composure and just about managed to complete the allotted time. However, she saw something strange. No one left her workshop or abandoned her. No one sneered at her. Her peers, whom she didn't know well, held space for her and for her failure. 

Post the workshop, she cried and poured her heart out. She had never felt so much support before, definitely not when she had failed. She had grown up in an environment where success was expected of her. Being a girl, she had to fight harder to earn success and each success brought with it pressure to perform better. She didn't realize, she was holding herself back from being her best because she had become too scared to fail. There was no support for failures in her environment. 

Yet here, she had failed and no one had abandoned her. She realized she had permission to fail and in her failure she had achieved the biggest success of her life. She had learnt to not let failure destroy her. Her peers ensured that failure gave her strength. They held space for her to fail. Her tears were tears of joy and realization. She had a transformative life experience. 

According to Heather Plett, "Holding Space means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control."

This young woman experienced the power of Holding Space when she was going through her journey and it helped her discover things that she had no permission to feel before. This young woman is the embodiment of the power that each of us holds within us as human beings - the power to be empathetic towards ourselves and others.

The outdoor experiential camps at Dream a Dream use the Life Skills Approach to help young people transform and discover their true potential. One of the core tenets of these camps is to Hold Space for young people as they go through her personal journeys and discoveries. Since 2002, thousands of young people have discovered their confidence, resilience, empathy, creativity through these outdoor experiential camps.

Boys And Girls Can Never Be Friends

I grew up with two sisters – one elder and one younger. We had neighbours who have 4 children – 3 girls and 1 boy. I grew up with 2 of the girls who were closer to our age. My early years were filled with games and activities that the 5 of us did together. Hence, I didn’t recognize the difference between boys and girls until I joined school.

My first awkward experience around a girl was in my 4^th grade. I used to sit on the first bench sharing it with another girl. I have heard a story from my parents about how she kissed me on my cheek once. I was made fun off and embarrassed by my parents, teachers and friends. I don’t think I understood what the big deal was about.

In my 5^th grade, I used to sometimes participate in games with girls during lunch break and my boy friends used to laugh at me and make fun of me. Having grown up around girls, I didn’t understand what the fuss was about but definitely felt awkward and soon I stopped playing with them.

In my 7^th grade, I used to share my seat with another girl. Adolescence was setting in so while there was awkwardness, we soon overcame it and became good friends. Our 7^th grade class teacher was very special and encouraged both genders to sit together and interact. However, my class mates thought that was weird. Soon enough, there were rumours abound about us liking each other.  When she left school (her father was transferred to another city), I remember I cried and I missed her around for a long time. I have fond memories of how we used to compete to finish an algebra problem first.

During 7^th to 10^th grade, as full blown adolescence hit all of us, equations of friendships changed rapidly. We became more conscious of each other’s presence. While some of us explored, most of us were too shy and scared to explore. My parents made it abundantly clear that every girl in my class was my sister. During school assemblies, our principal made it a point to state that every boy and girl in your school was your brother and sister. Most giggled and some like me believed it to be true. During Raksha Bandhan (a local Indian festival where a sister ties a band on her brother’s wrist and a brother promises to protect and care for her), my hands would be filled with bands from my classmates.

It was during one of my co-curricular activities, I met my best friend for life. While we don’t stay in touch often now, we both share very special memories of our time together in school. She was possibly the first girl that I became truly close to. After our classes, I would often walk her to the bus stop and wait until she got her bus. I would then cycle home. Sometimes, we would stand by the bus stop and talk for hours – sharing our life stories, our dreams and our aspirations. It was one of my most special times. We had been to each other’s homes and while parents were suspicious, the stamp of approval came when we declared we were brother-sister. I don’t think we cared much as long we could be friends. Best friends. I am glad we still are. There were rumours. We were conscious. Concerned. Felt awkward at time. But, the relationship felt right.

Once, in my 10^th grade, our class was punished for missing our PE (Physical Education) class and we were made to write an imposition – “I will not miss PE class” 500 times. What a wasted punishment. Anyway, we did it. The next day when submitting my imposition, another teacher said it out loud, “Give him an additional 500 times imposition; I have seen him talking to and hanging out with girls!” I lost it and ran away sobbing uncontrollably in front of the whole school. I was a spectacle in front of the whole school and was called a sissy by many. Embarrassment galore. I was called into the Principal’s office, who was a lovely lady, but made it very clear, “I hear you hang out and talk to girls after school hours. You have been seen hanging out with a girl at the bus stop. We don’t allow such behavior in our school and I expect you to stop immediately. You are spoiling the reputation of the school. Being the School Captain, it is unbecoming of you.”

Luckily, I must say, at that time, she didn’t call and complain to my parents. I was an embarrassment in front of the whole school and felt deeply hurt and ashamed for no fault of mine.

I am glad that incident didn’t affect our friendship and we are the best of friends even today. I can’t even imagine the shame and embarrassment my friend must have gone through.

For years since then, I have struggled to build healthy relationships with the opposite gender. My early relationships with girls were fraught with guilt and shame. My view of myself, when I looked at women or felt attracted to them, always left me guilty and shameful. I never knew when my sisters got their first period, where the pads might have mysteriously disappeared and why on certain days during the month, my sisters missed school. I can’t even imagine the guilt and shame they might have grown up with.

Yet, at a certain age, I was expected to get married to a girl, make love to her, understand her, build a lifelong relationship with her and spend the rest of my life with her. I was expected to be able to communicate with this person, share a home with her and make her my best friend. I also have many colleagues at work who are women and I am expected to communicate and have a healthy working relationship with them. At this point, I have a woman as a colleague (in this case also my wife) who shares my vision and we are building an organization together. 

All of my life, I have heard messages to stay away from girls and then suddenly I am expected to work in the most important team of my life with a woman, and navigate life’s complex changes with a wife.

Am I missing something here? Do we see the irony of it?

The problem is deeply entrenched in the way we are bringing up children – be it parents or teachers. In our work at Dream a Dream, we come across young people every day (men and women) growing up in a gender insensitive environment. Young men saying they will beat up their wives because they have seen their fathers and uncles do it. Young women accepting violence from men because they have been taught to accept and endure.

“My parents want me to get married at 16. What can I do Uncle? They know best.”

“Women are all like this only. They want money and gifts and then they leave you and go.”

Judgments and impressions that are formed through hearsay and being exposed to a highly stereotypical media.

Growing up in a gender imbalanced world and then expecting to have a healthy relationship with the opposite gender is crazy. Today, I struggle to understand my wife, her views and opinions, her feelings and her needs and she struggles to understand mine. We often talk and wonder about how we are brought up in an environment where we hardly communicate with the opposite gender and are yet expected to magically resolve all our conflicts as adults. While we are still committed to work through this paradox, how many couples out there are stuck in unhappy marriages or walk out of them, because they don’t have the skills to deal with each other?

Creating healthy environments in schools for children of different genders to talk, share, interact and play together could solve the challenges they face in relationships as adults. Creating spaces and conversations that foster healthy relationships, empathy for each other, respect and dignity will help build healthy adult relationships. Dispelling stereotypes, guilt and shame around love, sex and friendships between genders will help build a positive self-identify and responsible behavior.

I know it’s taken me years to heal the scars left from those early gender experiences filled with guilt and shame and I wish we would stop perpetuating these experiences amongst children today.

I can still hear my mother telling me during one of our school picnics, “Stay away from women, smoking and alcohol!” I know she meant well but it really made it think of women as evil. I am grateful that deep down I didn’t believe it since my mother, being a woman, is an angel and I have found a best friend for life in my wife. 

My biggest Life Lesson came during lunch-break at School

I spent 13 years in School. These included countless hours inside the classroom learning physics, chemistry, history and mathematics. I loved most of the subjects. 

I memorized dates in History but was fascinated by stories of warriors and kings when they came alive.

Shakespeare's Julius Caesar was easy to remember from the comic book than the text book as I saw the illustrations and imagined a world from a bygone era.

I practiced algorithms and theorems and a few odd compounds in Chemistry but loved most when we mixed compounds in the lab and watched magic happen.

I spent days pouring over geography trying to understand the formation of clouds and volcanoes. I dreamt of being David Livingstone and discovering a new world on Earth like he discovered the Congo basin.

I loved Computers primarily because I had a huge crush on my teacher and I so wanted to impress her.

I loved Algebra because I was challenged by a girl and it was good fun to sometimes beat her. Though, I have never understood why we learnt Algebra.

I hated Physics primarily because the teacher could not care to explain.

I didn't much care for Hindi because the teacher spent most the class session telling us stories from his life rather than teaching. So on and so forth.

Yet, all I was expected to do was memorize and regurgitate it back during examinations. The hundreds of hours inside the classroom didn't give me a single life lesson that is worth remembering. My biggest life lesson came during our lunch break at School in my 6th grade.

Every lunch break, after gobbling up our lunch, we used to form two teams and race around our colonial styled school building in a relay format. 5-6 people in a team exchanging batons after completing a full school circle. Darting between scores of students, who were playing, running, jumping around, it was our own little Olympics. This particular year, our team was in shambles. We were consistently losing every single day of the school year and our hopes were grim. We tried making team changes but nothing seemed to click. One fine afternoon, we finished lunch and gathered around for a daily race. Something was different that day. I felt a sense of calm and in a moment of consciousness, I said to myself, “we will win today!”

The race began and with each exchange of baton the other team was expanding their lead. The fastest runners from each team were reserved for the last. The last person in my friend’s team got the baton and he raced away feeling confident of winning yet another race. I received the baton just as my opponent was making his first turn. I closed my eyes for a split second and repeated, “We will win today!”

When I opened my eyes, everyone around me turned into a blur – children jumping around, playing, walking – everyone just disappeared. I saw only my opponent as he was making the turn. I ran. I ran with a sense of calm confidence. I felt my feet flying just inches above the ground. At the third turn, I overtook my opponent. I saw from the corner my eye; he had frozen in his tracks. I knew we had won not just the race but every race thereafter. We won and I knew it.

Whenever I think back at my school days, this memory is the most vivid. For years, I didn’t understand why I remembered this incident so vividly. It always comes alive like it happened yesterday. Now, I know. My body, my mind and my soul remembers this incident because it is my biggest life lesson.

It gave me my self-belief. The belief that I can make Impossible POSSIBLE!

Every time I am down in the dumps, pushed to a corner, when things seem impossible, this single experience gives me the strength and resilience to fight back, to pull myself up, to rise above and to come alive again. An experience from an inane activity that happened during lunch break at school.

I believe we all have these moments from our childhood. If we look around, our children’s lives are rich with powerful learning moments that fundamentally shape them, transform them, and give them a sense of their identity. Our children are curious and hungry to learn, discover, make sense of this world. The constant questions, the insatiable hunger to know, the Whys - these are all indicators of life's longing for itself. 

It's time schools are transformed to be nurturing environments for such powerful moments not just at lunch break but also within the classroom. 

It's time we recognize that children are dropping out of the school system because they are not feeling engaged, challenged and inspired. They are not getting their powerful learning moments that will nurture them and help them discover who they are.

It's time we accept that if we want to save this planet, we need to invest in creating experiences of empathy, love, caring and self-belief in our children.

If we can't change then maybe we just need to have longer lunch breaks so the universe can nurture its children, inspite of us. Just like Kahlil Gibran’s memorable words…

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.”

Do Academic Outcomes Lead to Better Life Outcomes?

When I was in school, I was told by almost all my teachers and parents that I need to study and get good grades. I listened to them because I believed them. All through my growing up years - studying, memorizing and repeating it during examinations became my sole aim. I got good results too. I was in the top 5 in my class all through school and I took pride in that. I felt special and different. I was made to believe I was above the rest who would struggle with their studies and grades. I was made to believe I will have better life outcomes because I am good at my academics.

I was discouraged from Sports or any of my other interests. I let go of sports in my 7th grade even though I was one of the fastest athletes in my class and passionate about running. My teachers told to me to spend every free hour studying. I was even assigned to labeled slow students whom I had to teach during our breaks. It is a surprise I managed to stay committed to National Cadet Corps and Karate during those last few years of school when studying was everything. It almost defined if you would be successful in life. "Do you want to be a dud like x?", "Do you want to be failure like y?". These threats worked wonders and many of us studied and forced ourselves to get good grades because we believed our parents and teachers that good academic outcomes would lead to better life outcomes?

Its been 21 years since I left school, with flying colours, ofcourse. I have been in touch with quite a few of my friends from school and many others I know of. The startling revelation has been that nearly all of us, irrespective of our grades, are doing well in our lives. Software engineers, bankers, accountants, architects, doctors, counselors, artists, army personnel, teachers, merchant navy, consultants, pastor and even an odd social worker like me. Are the top graders doing better than the rest? Not the least bit. Are the low performers struggling with life? Not the least bit. Infact, I reckon that if I track down each of my classmates from my batch of 1994, I bet each one of them will be doing reasonably well with life.

Let me also mention that we were not an elite school from any sense of imagination. Our school was as diverse as they come. Daily wage workers, contract labourers, government service professionals, private service professionals and businessmen.

We also didn't get the best education. With 60-70 students in a class and a focus only on academic outcomes, it was not that our teachers focused on each student and managed to build in them a sense of belief and confidence. I remember many of my classmates who began to fall by the wayside in their academics were looked down upon by teachers and peers. Infact, I was discouraged from being friends with some of them because teachers felt that I lose my academic focus under their influence. Seating in classrooms was organized based on academic scores too.

How then, I wonder that all of us had better life outcomes? Maybe, just maybe, there is no correlation between academic outcomes and life outcomes? Are we even willing to challenge this assumption at a time when academic outcomes are increasingly critical in a highly competitive educational environment? In an environment where the government boasts of 100% enrollment in schools and wants each kid to master languages, sciences and mathematics, could we possibly be looking at the problem all wrong? In an environment, where funders believe when more kids stay in school, study well, graduate, go to college, graduate and get a job - are we possibly missing a critical point?  Are we pushing for better and better academic outcomes when that is no strong indicator that it results in better life outcomes?

In my work today. at Dream a Dream, we are working with some of the most vulnerable young people whose academic outcomes are not nearly close to even being average. Over the last 16 years, I have seen school dropouts, poor academic performers, the labeled "duds" and "slow learners" be the most intelligent, sensitive, smart and empathetic individuals and achieve remarkable life outcomes inspite of very poor learning outcomes.

Are we looking at learning all wrong? Are we stuck to an age old system that has long become redundant in the face of a fast changing world? Are we holding onto a system that is the last bastion of a key differentiator between success and failure in a class driven society?

Are we too rigid as a society to change a system that is clearly not working? Stopped working over 2 decades ago if my class is an indicator.

I wonder. 

Understanding Empowerment

Over the course of 9 days, I had an opportunity to visit, meet and interact with leaders at 6 social enterprises across Delhi, Tilonia and Jaipur and reflect on their work, their values, approach and leadership style. Traveling with a group of 9 other leaders from across countries helped me gain a wider perspective and further refine by own thoughts and understanding.

I saw at work different ideas and a model of empowerment at each of the organizations visited and was left reflecting on, “What is Empowerment?”

At one organization, doing selfless service in providing artificial limbs to the poorest of the poor for over 40 years, I saw the commitment, the focus, and the determination in their work. I saw the generosity of the leader and I saw how their work was providing another shot at livelihood to the poor. The poor came from far and wide – feeling hopeless and apprehensive and went away feeling alive again. Having grown up in India, I have seen how the disabled are treated as a burden, many a time confined to their homes, considered a liability, subject to pity and sympathy and incapable. A person who is disabled due to an accident not only loses their livelihood but also their sense of self, their dignity and many a times the love and respect of their family. Hence, the work of this organization is unquestionably important and needed.

Yet, amongst all this good work, I felt a discomfort. I felt uncomfortable when the founder asked an amputee to remove his artificial limbs and show it to the gathering in full public view. Something didn’t sit well with me when he asked another to run with them. Something didn’t feel right when he asked a woman who had just got a limb to remove it, show her legs and put it back on. The woman obliging in full public view and looking visibly uncomfortable for having to lift her sari while we watched. I cringed with embarrassment but tried to keep my judgment at bay.  I attempted to understand the need to prove the sturdiness and durability of their product but the approach didn’t seem to find favour with me.

He invited another young man, always referring to the young or old as Beta/Beti (son/daughter). He asked him how much money he had on him, the man was hesitant feeling singled out but eventually said he had Rs. 22. One of us was asked to count the money just to be sure. The founder then referred to this man in third person, not asking his name and went on to say that this man is so poor that he cannot even afford a single meal and how can someone expect to charge him for the limbs. I cringed as the man was visibly embarrassed at being called poor in full public view.

The founder was making a valid point around affordability. 95% of the poor were the ones who lost their limbs in accidents. Losing limbs in India meant loss of dignity, loss of livelihood and in many cases abandonment by the family. Hence, the policy of the organization to support the poorest of the poor and not charge them a single rupee. It costs the organization Rs. 3000 to fit one artificial limb and there is no way the poor can afford this cost. No one is sent back. Infact, they gave them a place to stay, three meals a day and even train fare back to their village. They ensured that each individual got a limb within 3 days. All great approaches deeply entrenched in understanding their customer and delivering on their promises. All approaches coming from experiences and having worked in the field for over 40 years. Yet, I felt uncomfortable that the poor and the disabled were assumed to have no dignity and self-esteem and could be singled out in a crowd to showcase their work. While customer endorsement and feedback is important, could there be sensitivity in the way we seek it?

As we walked out of the premises, we saw a group of people waiting for him, some who had got their limbs fixed and some waiting for them to be fixed. He made us stand around, he himself sat on a chair and asked the patients to approach him one by one.

“What is your name? Where are you from? How did you lose your limb? Do you do any work? How much money do you have? How much do you earn? And based on what he heard, he either gave them a livelihood kit of not. What is the livelihood kit you might ask? They have 3 kits – a tailoring unit for a woman and a Tea-stall unit or food stall unit for the man. An initiative to support the livelihoods of people who have lost their jobs because of their disability and give them a chance at earning some income. A very noble gesture indeed and one could see that the people were extremely grateful for the support. I was wondering if the poor could have a choice of livelihood, a shot at pursuing their dreams and if it might have been more empowering to give them money to choose their own livelihood instead. One can argue that money can be misused and the founder mentioned that 20% of the people who receive livelihood kits do misuse it. 

However, where is dignity if there is no trust. Could we give wings to their dreams instead?

The imagery of that moment left me deeply disempowered. What I saw was the poor waiting for him, he sitting there like a king doling out goodies. His body language showed distrust of the poor. The poor standing with folded hands and hopeful eyes and feeling terribly obliged when he did provide them support. The people did feel empowered with a new limb as they saw it as a second shot at life. The people felt grateful at the opportunity to start a new livelihood. I wonder if this is enough.

Isn’t empowerment treating them with dignity in their disability and ensuring they go away feeling that they are capable of achieving all their dreams and desires and there is no limit to what they can achieve in life?

Isn’t empowerment believing that they are able and capable with or without limbs and our job is to enhance their sense of self and give them the tools (artificial limbs) that will give wings to their dreams?

Isn’t empowerment ensuring that the disabled are treated with dignity by their families, communities and by the government?

Isn’t empowerment, using our cause to change mindsets about disability and fighting for laws that ensure the rights of the disabled?

Is giving limbs enough? I am reminded of an American friend who lost his limbs in a landmine accident at an early age of 19 and went on to start an International organization fighting for a land-mine free world that won the noble peace prize. His artificial limbs gave him his life back but it was his sense of purpose, sense of self that made him change the way the world looks at the disabled.

In our group, we had a blind participant from UK. Traveling on her own for the first time to India, she came with confidence and a sense of purpose. She managed to traverse the complexity of India and its chaos on her own not once feeling dependent or vulnerable. Her sensitivity and insights left us spell-bound as she saw India with her other senses. I wonder what did her family, her community and her society do to build this sense of dignity in her, to make her feel that she was capable and not disabled in anyway.

I am deeply inspired by this organization’s commitment and dedicated self-less service. With over 24,500 artificial limbs been fixed every year, it takes tremendous amount of hard work to make it happen. I am delighted that organization’s such as these exist who are not worried about sustainability, scale, replicability, etc. but truly believe that if we continue to do our work with sincerity and a sense of purpose, God will always find a way to help us. The founder has been a dedicated volunteer for over 39 years and runs the organization on principles of frugality even paying for our tea from his pocket. His child-like enthusiasm and a sense of curiosity is endearing. His commitment to the poor is unquestionable. It takes courage to take on such a difficult cause and stick with it for over four decades.

As I sit back and ask myself, “What is empowerment?”, this is what I receive. Giving limbs is the first step to empowerment which this organization does beautifully. However, for me, it is also breaking my own prejudices about the poor and disabled; about truly believing that the poor and disabled are capable and able; they have dignity just like I do and it’s not only my actions but also my intentions that are critical as I chose to bring them products and services. Being sensitive and treating each human being, irrespective of their background and disability, with respect is truly empowering myself and through my being empowering the people I work with. 

Irene

I saw her from the corner of my eye. Silent, graceful and almost unnoticeable. She looked easily over 70 and fit and healthy. Her hands were wrinkled and her eyes had seen a lot through the years. A little hunched back, she walked with a slow steady step. Irene is a cleaner at the Grand Canyon Cafeteria. 

Coming from an Indian cultural upbringing, my first reaction was that someone of her age should not be working cleaning at a Cafeteria. I quickly realized that was a judgment. Maybe, she chose to work there. Maybe, she loves being around people and maybe she enjoys her work at the Café. It helped me reduce my pain a little. I kept imagining if my grandmother had to work like this in her old age, I would not have liked that. But, maybe, it is alright for old people to work here. Without judgment, I continued to observe her as she went about her work with grace and calm.

She walked slow and we sensitivity. I noticed that she worked as if she was completely invisible, never coming in the way of the diners. I wonder if many noticed her. I realized none had. The perfunctory ‘Thank You’ was more out of habit than intention. People came in and went out, hardly noticing and acknowledging her presence. At one time, she was holding a heavy tray of trash and when she noticed a family coming in her way, she moved to the side holding the heavy tray waiting for them to pass. They didn’t notice her standing there.

She thought me, in that instant, to be mindful and to slow down and observe life as it happens. She observed this family and did her job. They didn’t and went about their business. I wonder what else I don’t notice in the business of my life. The hundreds or possibly thousands of people like Irene who are mindful to me at inconvenience to them.

How do I learn to slow down and observe life. How do I say ‘Thank you’ with intention. How do I invest in things that are truly important and learn to leave out the noise.

As I walked away, I looked at her and told her, ‘Thank you for taking care of me.' and then silently, "Thank you for reminding me about my grandmother and giving me a lesson on life."