How do you show excitement, I asked a group of participants at a recent workshop. Mime it. As the participants showed the vibrancy and diversity of their expressions of excitement, I realized the circle will soon come to me and I wondered how I would show excitement. I drew a BIG blank. I attempted to jog my memory from my near or distant past and I got none. My mind didn't have a memory, my heart could not recollect the feeling and my body could not express excitement. I drew a blank.
I made a meek attempt when my turn came but the thought left me disturbed. When was the last time I was truly excited and showed it. I am still struggling as I write this a few days later.
I am attempting to relive memories that would ideally make me happy and excited. A young man graduating, a young girl getting her dream job, a bunch of young boys winning a rugby tournament, a young man sharing this dream with a glow on his face, a group of teachers expressing gratitude at how our work has changed their lives forever, a tough fundraising bid that came through. Nothing! Nada!
How about memories from my personal life? Watching my favourite movie, reading my favourite comic, a stroll in the forest, making a loved one happy, going out with friends, making a new friend, visiting a new country/city, eating my favourite food, trying a new cuisine, listening to a dear friend, watching a friend's child take their first steps. Nothing! Nada!
All supremely happy moments that make up our daily lives and I have plenty of them. Enough to fill a book. Yet, when I think about if they truly make me happy, if they make me jump with joy or even just express something with my eyes....and I can't seem to remember! I am drawing a blank around what excitement looks like for me.
When was the last time I did a high five, jumped a hoop, screamed with joy, showed a real emotion of elation or achievement? I can't seem to remember.
Is it bad not to know; not to remember? It is temporary or I have begun to view life and its events with a certain stoicism? I wonder?
Is the joy for life waning? Did I ever have it? If I did, where, when and how did it disappear? Maybe, it's not that bad not having it. I don't know. Am I missing it? I don't know. I want to say 'yes' but seems like I am alright not having it.
Am I scared of it? Am I scared of happiness? I don't know. Saying 'yes' seems like an easy justification. Saying, I don't know makes me curious and wanting to observe myself more closely.
I made a meek attempt when my turn came but the thought left me disturbed. When was the last time I was truly excited and showed it. I am still struggling as I write this a few days later.
I am attempting to relive memories that would ideally make me happy and excited. A young man graduating, a young girl getting her dream job, a bunch of young boys winning a rugby tournament, a young man sharing this dream with a glow on his face, a group of teachers expressing gratitude at how our work has changed their lives forever, a tough fundraising bid that came through. Nothing! Nada!
How about memories from my personal life? Watching my favourite movie, reading my favourite comic, a stroll in the forest, making a loved one happy, going out with friends, making a new friend, visiting a new country/city, eating my favourite food, trying a new cuisine, listening to a dear friend, watching a friend's child take their first steps. Nothing! Nada!
All supremely happy moments that make up our daily lives and I have plenty of them. Enough to fill a book. Yet, when I think about if they truly make me happy, if they make me jump with joy or even just express something with my eyes....and I can't seem to remember! I am drawing a blank around what excitement looks like for me.
When was the last time I did a high five, jumped a hoop, screamed with joy, showed a real emotion of elation or achievement? I can't seem to remember.
Is it bad not to know; not to remember? It is temporary or I have begun to view life and its events with a certain stoicism? I wonder?
Is the joy for life waning? Did I ever have it? If I did, where, when and how did it disappear? Maybe, it's not that bad not having it. I don't know. Am I missing it? I don't know. I want to say 'yes' but seems like I am alright not having it.
Am I scared of it? Am I scared of happiness? I don't know. Saying 'yes' seems like an easy justification. Saying, I don't know makes me curious and wanting to observe myself more closely.
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