My spate of health issues have continued through the year. It's been nine months now and I continue to grapple with persistent health issues. It is the longest I have been ill ever in my life. A recent realization is emerging as I am learning to quieten down. Are my persistent health issues this year largely around things I don't have control over?
Let me explain. If you have a viral fever, a cold or a cough or even something more serious. Usually, you have control over the duration and/or course of action to deal with the illness. Moreover, there is certainty to the symptoms and impact it will have on your body. I realize my illness has been different.
I caught a stomach bug in early March and since then, without warning, I have bouts of vomiting and dizziness. It can happen at any moment and usually I am unable to establish the trigger. The doctors took six months to diagnose it as Helicobacter Pylori Infection (H Pylori) whose symptoms are recurring bouts of vomiting. I would be sitting working in office and I could have an attack. I could be watching a movie and a sudden sense of dizziness and nausea would lead to extended bouts of vomiting draining me off energy for the rest of the day. Some days would end with this while others would start with it.
A month back, I was diagnosed with Chronic Vertigo. Again, something totally out of my control. I could be walking on the street or working or just sitting a home doing nothing and I would suddenly have my world turn upside down and I would need to sleep it off for a few hours.
I have had to cancel meetings, travel plans, work schedules, meeting friends and family. My life has come to a stop. My day starts and ends with anxiety around this uncertainty. Will I get an attack today? Will I be around people who can care for me? Will I embarrass myself in front of strangers? Will it be manageable or will I need to go to the hospital? Have I taken on my medicines? What if it is more severe than last time?
Anxiety rules my day!
I kept wondering what this means? To have an illness that I don't have any certainty or control over. It could occur anywhere and at anytime without warning.
I wonder if it is giving me a message around letting go? Letting life lead me on; learning to give up control; learning to let go to things I am holding onto; learning to take it slow; learning to trust life; learning to trust my caregivers and learning to seek help.
I wonder if I am taking longer to heal because I am holding on; scared to let go?
Maybe, instead of my illness, I should focus on my inner churn. I should focus on letting go!!
Let me explain. If you have a viral fever, a cold or a cough or even something more serious. Usually, you have control over the duration and/or course of action to deal with the illness. Moreover, there is certainty to the symptoms and impact it will have on your body. I realize my illness has been different.
I caught a stomach bug in early March and since then, without warning, I have bouts of vomiting and dizziness. It can happen at any moment and usually I am unable to establish the trigger. The doctors took six months to diagnose it as Helicobacter Pylori Infection (H Pylori) whose symptoms are recurring bouts of vomiting. I would be sitting working in office and I could have an attack. I could be watching a movie and a sudden sense of dizziness and nausea would lead to extended bouts of vomiting draining me off energy for the rest of the day. Some days would end with this while others would start with it.
A month back, I was diagnosed with Chronic Vertigo. Again, something totally out of my control. I could be walking on the street or working or just sitting a home doing nothing and I would suddenly have my world turn upside down and I would need to sleep it off for a few hours.
I have had to cancel meetings, travel plans, work schedules, meeting friends and family. My life has come to a stop. My day starts and ends with anxiety around this uncertainty. Will I get an attack today? Will I be around people who can care for me? Will I embarrass myself in front of strangers? Will it be manageable or will I need to go to the hospital? Have I taken on my medicines? What if it is more severe than last time?
Anxiety rules my day!
I kept wondering what this means? To have an illness that I don't have any certainty or control over. It could occur anywhere and at anytime without warning.
I wonder if it is giving me a message around letting go? Letting life lead me on; learning to give up control; learning to let go to things I am holding onto; learning to take it slow; learning to trust life; learning to trust my caregivers and learning to seek help.
I wonder if I am taking longer to heal because I am holding on; scared to let go?
Maybe, instead of my illness, I should focus on my inner churn. I should focus on letting go!!
1 comment:
Man that's rough, I know I cannot completely understand what you are going through but I can share an experience in my life where I felt I was losing control and a series of incidents made me anxious - thinking what the hell am I going to face next. My case was probably more bad luck than losing control but I still carried a bad gut feeling doing everyday things.
It was two years ago in 2014, it was probably the most injuries I've had in a year. Having torn my lateral ankle ligament - recovered - fractured my metatarsals - recovered - slit open my finger at work - recovered ..... being confined to crutches and with my mobility being so limited I really got to experience how people around my cared. I got to see the world and the people around me with a completely different perspective and that really drove me to keep myself in better shape and take better care of myself. I started to appreciate some of the small (in reality BIG!!) things I used to take for granted.
All I can say is this, hang in there, stay strong and keep the fight going. Sending positive vibes!
Kunal
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