Resilience in Adversity

In many conversations, around the world, I have had well-wishers who have always remarked that children who grow up in adversity have more resilience, so they are likely to do well in life. I have always cringed at this naïve correlation between adversity and resilience. I agree, some children growing up in adversity do have higher resilience, but that resilience needs a champion and needs a support system for it to truly help a child thrive.

A powerful way to explain this is through the story of Poorna (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poorna:_Courage_Has_No_Limit), one of the youngest girl to climb Mount Everest at the age of 13 years and 11 Months. If you haven’t seen this inspiring true story made into a movie by Rahul Bose called ‘Poorna’, do watch it and one will understand what I am trying to say.

Poorna is born and grows up in abject poverty. She has loving and supportive parents, but they don’t know much and are easily influenced by people and circumstances around them. Her first champion is her elder cousin sister who teachers Poorna her first life lessons, about not giving up, having a dream and doing everything you can to achieve your dreams. Even choosing to run away from home. It is in this relationship that Poorna’s tenacity and resilience are seeded.

Poorna’s father does put her in a government residential school but not because he is invested in her education but because he doesn’t have money to get her married immediately. When left with a choice to be in school or leave this new school (which has not been what she expected), she chooses to run away again. Not a choice made from resilience but out of disappointment. She doesn’t yet have the life skills to make a healthy life choice. Had this choice become true, she would probably have got married soon and her life trajectory would have been different.

Here she found her champion, IAS officer, Dr R S Praveen Kumar. In his very first interaction, which is beautifully captured in the movie, he shows care, respect and creates safety and trust in the relationship which helps Poorna make a different choice. One can see, she is now building her support system – Her parents, her sister and now a caring adult who is invested in all children like Poorna.

During her school break, when she is planning to come home. Her sister comes to her support again. Her sister has her back and does not want Poorna to end up with the same fate as her. She must make a difficult choice again. ‘Do I go home, and risk being married off or do I go for a rock climbing trip?’ She chooses rock climbing and life changes forever for Poorna.

Praveen opens opportunities for young people like Poorna. He visits the program. He remembers her. He talks to her with respect and care. He gives her the sense that he is backing her. Poorna’s confidence is building. Now she has more supporters. Her rock climbing instructor who is tough with her but also encouraging. He notices that Poorna is special and validates her. He teaches her new skills and new ways of being. Praveen and her instructor now start building her vision, her aspiration and the medium of rock-climbing, intrinsically rich in developing Life Skills, becomes her tool to achieve her dreams.

Praveen pushes Poorna to find her reason to climb the Everest. For a purpose is key to accomplish such a challenging task and without purpose, he knows well, that she might give up when faced with difficulty. Poorna finds her purpose in the death of her sister and then there is no turning back.

All through the story, Praveen is also deeply respectful of Poorna’s choices even if they seem different from his own choices for her. This is critical for one to be truly a champion for young people. It is to know that the goal is for young people like Poorna to learn to make their choices for resilience emerges from the difficult choices we make in life. When Poorna decides to go ack home at the death of her sister and not pursue her dream, Praveen, while disappointed, does not show it, but backs her choice. When Poorna decides to make the Everest summit despite her illness, Praveen backs her again and lets her make her own choice. This will stand in good stead for Poorna for life.

And as one can see in the movie, the rest is history. Praveen, her parents, her sister through the poignantly beautiful letter she leaves for Poorna, her instructors, her colleagues like Anand are all her champions now. They are all seeding tenacity, resilience, healthy choice making, self-awareness, critical thinking in Poorna through their interactions with her. She has a village of champions now. 

That’s how Poorna learns to soar and that’s what gives Poorna the resilience to make through the last hurdles before she finally conquers The Everest. They are all by her side through her journey.

Children like Poorna who grow up in adversity don’t naturally have resilience. They need champions. They need us. We as parents, colleagues, teachers and every single adult have the capacity to become a champion for at least one child like Poorna around us. Let’s play our role. Let’s be that Champion and then the world is truly at their feet.

A Memory, A Legacy Lives On - GM Row

It must have been the year 1998, nearly 17 years ago when I first met him. Mr. GM Row had Sharp, piercing eyes like he saw all the way into your heart and yet his eyes had kindness in them. He was on the Local Board of Advisors of AIESEC in Bangalore and brought a no-nonsense yet emphatic approach to engaging with us, young college students trying to take our first, uncertain steps into an adult world.

In 1999, when I applied for an International Student Exchange Programme through AIESEC, he was on my interview panel. My first ever interview in life and I was nervous. I distinctly remember he asked me to define Statistics. I went blank. My score of 94 in Statistics didn’t mean anything if I could not even define the subject. He must have seen something else in me. I passed the interview.

This was how I was first introduced to Mr. GM Row. I knew then that I will find a way to connect with this wonderful gentleman again and make him an important part of my life journey. He did go on to become a very dear friend, advisor and role-model for me in the years to come.

In 2002, when I embarked on my social entrepreneurial career, I attended a conference organized by Rotary and Bangalore Cares. Mr. Row was conducting a session on Fundraising and it is still one of the best sessions I have attended. In his unique style, he spoke about two fundamental rules – You need to ask and you need to say ‘thank you’. They became my core tenets. He shared a personal story of how he had sent hundreds of hand-written inland letters (those blue postal letters from another era) asking for donations from family and friends and successfully raised money for a cancer charity. The power of reaching out and asking for money without hesitation or embarrassment is what I learnt from him. For me, he continues to be one of the finest fundraisers that ever lived. The foundation of passionate fundraising came from that session and he became a role model.

Many years later, I had the privilege to work directly with him and my other role model Murray Culshaw when they invited me to join the Board of Bangalore Cares (now India Cares Foundation). Mr. Row and Mr. Culshaw are legends in the voluntary sector for their hardwork, commitment and support to several hundred charities and causes and I could let go of the opportunity to work with and learn from the best in the sector.

Working with Mr. Row gave me the rare opportunity to get to know him intimately. The various Board Meetings at his home, his sharp insights, his remarkable integrity and his unflinching commitment to transparency were traits I learnt from him. He also became a close friend and committed supporter of Dream A Dream. Every year, a letter, hand-written by him will come to my office with a donation to Dream A Dream and words of sincere encouragement. I cherish those letters.

Over the last few years, his health was failing him but not his spirit. He made sure he passed on the mantle of India Cares Foundation with a thorough transition. He continued to associate himself with multiple causes and raised tremendous amounts of money through the TCS 10K Run, infact, even being amongst the top 3 individual fundraiser in multiple years.

In April 2015, this amazing man, left us. He has left behind a rich legacy. A legacy of a stalwart in the sector, who has mentored and built many a social entrepreneur like me, helped us imbibe values of sincerity, honesty, commitment, integrity and a never-give-up spirit. They say people come into our lives for a reason; Mr. Row came into my life as a teacher, a mentor and a role-model par excellence.

Mr. Row, you have moved on and your legacy, values and generosity will live on in the hearts of people like me. You were truly a gentleman belonging to an age of grace, chivalry and integrity. I am eternally grateful to you for filling my life with your values and teaching me to live my life with utmost integrity and responsibility. You are missed and hope you know, wherever you are, you will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you.