It's not Poverty but lack of Life Skills

Poverty had never bothered him or his family. They lived within their means and lived with happiness. A family of four, both his parents worked. Father in a lathe factory and mother in a garment factory. He was in school and his sister was completing college. It was a frugal existence and a happy one. The family decided to take a small loan to support his sister's marriage. Both the parents had regular jobs so they were confident they will be able to repay it over time. Marriage was a simple and happy ceremony. 

Jacob was a bright student at school and loved by his teachers. He was a natural leader and took on many responsibilities in his school. He joined the Dream a Dream Life Skills Programmes through his school and thrived as he discovered his true potential. He also found his passion for Rugby through Dream a Dream and became one of the best Rugby players in the team. Rugby taught him resilience, discipline, looking out for each other, supporting his team mates and most importantly learning to get up when thrown down. He and his band of friends even started their own Rugby Community Club, coaching children in their slum next to a sewer. Children looked up to Jacob and his friends as role models and dreamed of growing up to be like them. Jacob completed school with flying colours and had dreams of going to college and playing Rugby for India. 

In a span of six months since he joined college, both his parents were diagnosed with acute diabetes and both of them lost their jobs. His parents tried to keep their stress away from Jacob but as the demands of debtors and the need to support a family became difficult, they reached out to Jacob for support. Overnight, his life turned around. He became the sole bread winner for the family and had to deal with the mounting debts and also take care of his ailing parents. He became an adult. 

What choices does a young man of 18 have in such circumstances? How does one make choices that are life altering at that age? Do we even have the maturity to make those choices? Jacob struggled with the same questions. It was time to test the Life Skills that he had developed. Once Jacob was out of the initial shock of becoming an adult overnight, he calmed down and reached out for advice from his mentors and coaches. He got a lot of good advice that helped him think through his options and make an informed choice. 

Jacob decided to drop out of college. It was a difficult decision but one that he had to make. He was working as a part-time Life Skills Facilitator and decided to apply for a full-time role. He decided to take on couple of additional jobs in the evening and over the weekend. He made a list of debtors and prioritized them. He learnt to renegotiate with some of them and buy more time. He was certain that he will clear all the debts because these people had supported his family in good faith and they deserved to have their money back. He learnt to communicate all his decisions with his family and seek their counsel. He was in constant touch with his mentor reaching out to him for advice and support. He managed to get some interest free loans and some contributions to reduce the burden of debt and mounting interest. He made monthly budgets and learnt to walk a tight rope of expenses for a whole year till he could clear some of the more critical loans. 

He had to also let go of his passion - Rugby. He knew it was temporary and he will jump right in when things were better. He got a full-time role and he knew he had to be the best since he could not afford to lose this job. He worked hard and worked longer hours. He learned well and became the best at his job. 

Today, Jacob is stable. Life continues to challenge this young man. His ailing parents need constant medical care. His dad has not managed to get work since he lost his job. He lost his grandfather recently and has an ailing grandmother. More that 50% of his monthly salary goes in clearing loans every month. Yet, the smile never leaves Jacob. He is doing extremely well at his job and has managed to participate in a few Rugby tournaments, slowly getting back to his passion. He still dreams of completing college one day. 

Looking back, I am grateful that Jacob had an opportunity to develop the Life Skills that he so needed to get through one of the most difficult life experiences. When working with young people coming from adversity, we have learned that its not poverty that holds them back. It's the lack of abilities to help them overcome life situations that poverty throws at them. We understand Life Skills as, "abilities for positive and adaptive behaviour that help an individual deal with challenges of daily living." 

It was the Life Skills that Jacob had that helped him overcome his life situation. He didn't crumble, he didn't give up. He used this ability to seek support, he negotiated, he learnt to interact with others, he learnt to take initiative, he learnt to manage his own emotions, he learnt empathy for himself, his family and his debtors. He learnt to make tough choices, stay resilient and happy through those choices. Jacob taught me the true meaning of empowerment - that which enable people to take charge of their lives. 

The many hues of Delhi: Uncleji at Sumitra Inn

It is not often that I travel to Delhi and as with any new place, it throws many new experiences my way. This trip, however, had more than its share of fascinating experiences that has prompted this post.

We stayed at the Sumitra Inn at Safdarjung Enclave, a Bed and Breakfast run by an elderly gentleman who everyone referred to as Uncleji. For some reason, he took a liking to Suchetha and myself and decided to share his experiences and wisdom with us. It was fascinating to hear stories about his marriage, about his wife whom he lost a few years back and about his approach to life. There were many nuggets of wisdom which young people like us sorely need as we take on journeys of togetherness and he was more than willing to share them.

During the early days of marriage, he used to give all his earnings to his wife. His lovely wife requested him that he clear all pending payments and then give her the remaining money. He didn't understand her reasoning for it but after much persistence relented and then one month, paid his bills, cleared his debts and then gave the remaining money to his wife. She then told him that this is the money she now has to run the house and will plan her month accordingly. She had this amazing ability to run the house with whatever money her gave her.

Once, he had to travel to Bangalore on work and wanted to buy a couple of new shirts. When he asked his wife for some money (Rs. 7 in good old days to buy 2 shirts), she flatly refused. He was angry and upset and when on his trip without the new shirts. A few weeks later she gave him the money and he was surprised. He said he didn't need the money or the shirts anymore. His wife explained that in her monthly budget there is no space for additional expenses so she could not give him the money. However, she realized that her husband needs shirts so over the last 2-3 weeks she has saved money little by little and now has the money to give him. He realized that day that his wife would always take good care of the family's needs and trusted all her decisions.

His eyes welled up when he spoke about his wife and we felt deeply moved by his love for his wife in whose memory he put up this Bed and Breakfast so he could continue to live a full life, feel grateful to have her in his life and meet new and interesting people.

Uncleji was deeply committed to service and playing an active role in the community. He helped setup the Arya Samaj centre in the neighbourhood where amongst other things they run a free dispensary for the poor and also get poor people married. During his youth, working at a public sector company, he shared many stories of selfless service. Once, when riding his scooter home, he passed by a construction site where a young lady was trying to take a break to feed her new born child. Her employer was shouting at her for wasting her time. He stopped his bike, went upto the contractor and told him that he will do the work while the mother can feed her child. He told the mother to take her time and filled in for her.

Another time, when he was driving his car, he saw a van ahead of him carrying pots. The pots fell on the road, broke and created a mess. He stopped his car and decided to remove all the broken parts from the road and put them on the side. While people honked and shouted at him, no one stopped to help him. He knew that once he cleared the road, it will ease the traffic and not cause any accidents. In the process, he cut his hand but didn't realize it.

We heard him complain about the growing anger and unrest amongst the people, the failure of the government and at the same time recognize the goodness in people. He belief in being good always and helping where he can and his experience of having understanding and tolerance in a relationship made him very endearing. Recognizing that he came from a patriarchal society, he admonished child marriage, dowry system and did not believe that girls are any inferior to men.

Uncleji gave us a gift of his wisdom and experience and we were grateful that Uncleji came into our lives, even if briefly. I have always believed that people come into our lives for a reason and we might not know that reason then but someday the dots will connect.

Meeting and spending those fleeting moments with Uncleji were definitely a highlight of our time in Delhi.