What Narratives are we offering our Children?

The COVID-19 pandemic has had immense impact on human and economic activity in recent memory. It has pushed many global economies, including India, into an economic recession and disrupted life as we know it for adults and children alike. With schools being closed since March 2020, this has been the longest since children have been out of school. 

Over the last few months, the Indian government started opening up the country, its industries and daily activity. However, schools continue to remain closed for physical engagement while online classes have started since September.  

In all this, I wonder, if we think about what narratives we, as adults, are offering our children and young people at the time of such loss, anxiety, distress and disruption of life as we know it. 

The Indian government announced a country-wide lockdown with a 4-hour notice. This disrupted life, livelihoods and incomes of millions of people, largely from vulnerable backgrounds. Overnight, millions lost their daily-wage jobs, were left with unpaid dues, debt and without homes and sources of income. Over the next few months, we saw with horror one of the largest migration of families within a country as millions walked thousands of kilometres to get back to their homes, villages and safety carrying their children and meagre belongings. I saw with helpless grief as images of children on their mother's laps, father's shoulders, sleeping on suitcases on footpaths and pavements as they made this journey home. 

Ever imagine, what Narratives children and young people picked up from this suffering? Why do we have to walk? Why did we have to leave our homes in the city? Why isn't someone coming to help us? I a hungry and thirsty, why am I not getting any food and water? Why is the government not coming to our aid? 

The story of a young father who sold his mobile phone to get some food for his stranded family and then died by suicide is an image that I will take to my grave. Do we wonder what his 14-year old daughter is picking up as a narrative? There is no one for us. We have to fend for ourselves. It is easier to die than to live in so much suffering. 

As families, who did manage to reach their villages, they were ostracised, not allowed to enter the villages in fear that they might be carrying the virus. Families were stranded on the outskirts of their villages and towns, helpless, hopeless, hungry, thirsty and on the verge of giving up. States decided to shut down their borders and soon hundreds of families were stuck at State borders - not been able to crossover and not being allowed to come back too. Bunched in crowded camps until the government could decide what to do with this situation, many feared for their lives and lives of their children. 

What narratives do we think children picked up then? I am not wanted. I am an inconvenience. I am a discard. I am a virus spreader. Worry, anger, frustration, fear, neglect, loss of dignity and identity were all possible emotions that children felt. 

With school closures, millions of children lost their only source of daily meal that they got in school. For many children, school was a safe refuge from the violence and abuse at home and it was no longer available. For many children, school was a safe space from a unsafe neighbourhood while their parents went to work and now they had to spend all their time in these unsafe neighbourhoods. For many parents, school offered a safe space of care for their children and gave them the strength to go out and work in the hope that their children are safe and learning. The burden of learning now fell on parents who themselves might not have gone to school. For many children, school gave them safety from their abusers and now they had no safe space leaving them vulnerable all the time. 

With dwindling cash resources, children have to go seek work to support their families; girls are being pushed towards early marriage and are more susceptible to trafficking in desperate family situations. 
With the advent of online classes, there was hope of a pivot towards online learning resources to re-engage children. Yet, early reports have shown that online classes are not working for the most vulnerable with limited access to devices, internet and network issues and unconducive learning spaces. 

There have been cases of adolescents who died by suicide because they were unable to join online classes. There have been cases of enhanced bullying in online forums by teachers and peers. 
In all this, what narratives are our children and young people picking up? That, they do not matter. They are not important. 

In all this, No political leader has reached out and spoken directly to children and young people, giving them hope, assurances and strategies that prioritises their wellbeing, safety and learning. As the country starting opening up, it was important to revive the economy first and not prioritise opening up of schools and colleges so we can help children and young people heal first. Examinations were conducted in the midst of the pandemic putting young people at risk of contracting the virus. 

As people step out of their homes, they decided it was 'back to business' when markets got crowded and busier, when religious places got crowded and when restaurants, shops and malls got crowded. In all that, we told our children - you are not yet important. your learning is not important. young wellbeing is not important. your future is not important. 

As people stop taking precautions, stop washing hands and wearing masks. Start organising weddings, get-togethers and celebrating festivals while schools remain closed and young people continue to live in confusion, distress and anxiety, we are telling them, you are not yet important. 

As young graduates live in anxiety around their future because there are no employment opportunities, there are no adults given them assurances of a secure future. 

As we adults continue to ignore one of the most important stakeholder, our young people, we are telling them that they do not matter. 

Young people are watching us. learning from us. learning from our actions. learning from what and who we choose to prioritise and we are indeed failing them. 

This trauma that children and young people are experiencing is going to make place in their bodies, deeply entrenched in their being and yes, while some young people will come out stronger, most won't. Most will carry this trauma and it will shape the adults they will become in the future. Adults who don't care; who don't show up for young people; who don't stand with young people; and those who choose individualism over the collective; choose Ego over the Eco, choose development over wellbeing, choose economic growth over biodiversity, choose GDP over the planet. 

We still have time. We can show up for young people differently. We can show with our actions and words that they matter. That their safety, wellbeing and their future matters to us. 

Let's acknowledge and accept that we are failing our young people and commit to changing that. 

Lets think about what could be our most compassionate offer to our children and young people? 

Let's prioritise safety and care, take precautions to stop the spread of the virus, come together as a collective human force, as a nation to fight this pandemic. Let's show our young people that we can listen and support each other. Lets show more kindness and care for each other. Let's hold our political leaders accountable. Lets invite them to talk to us with plans, strategies, ideas to combat the pandemic. 

Lets support government directives and initiatives designed for our safety. Let's show up everyday as a role model that we want our children to become one day. 

Lets give our young people newer, bolder, kinder narratives that build in them the capacities to help us, our communities and our planet to Thrive. This pandemic has given us an opportunity to let go of the past and embrace a new future with love, care and kindness. Lets show our young people that we truly care and are willing to change. 

Resilience in Adversity

In many conversations, around the world, I have had well-wishers who have always remarked that children who grow up in adversity have more resilience, so they are likely to do well in life. I have always cringed at this naïve correlation between adversity and resilience. I agree, some children growing up in adversity do have higher resilience, but that resilience needs a champion and needs a support system for it to truly help a child thrive.

A powerful way to explain this is through the story of Poorna (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poorna:_Courage_Has_No_Limit), one of the youngest girl to climb Mount Everest at the age of 13 years and 11 Months. If you haven’t seen this inspiring true story made into a movie by Rahul Bose called ‘Poorna’, do watch it and one will understand what I am trying to say.

Poorna is born and grows up in abject poverty. She has loving and supportive parents, but they don’t know much and are easily influenced by people and circumstances around them. Her first champion is her elder cousin sister who teachers Poorna her first life lessons, about not giving up, having a dream and doing everything you can to achieve your dreams. Even choosing to run away from home. It is in this relationship that Poorna’s tenacity and resilience are seeded.

Poorna’s father does put her in a government residential school but not because he is invested in her education but because he doesn’t have money to get her married immediately. When left with a choice to be in school or leave this new school (which has not been what she expected), she chooses to run away again. Not a choice made from resilience but out of disappointment. She doesn’t yet have the life skills to make a healthy life choice. Had this choice become true, she would probably have got married soon and her life trajectory would have been different.

Here she found her champion, IAS officer, Dr R S Praveen Kumar. In his very first interaction, which is beautifully captured in the movie, he shows care, respect and creates safety and trust in the relationship which helps Poorna make a different choice. One can see, she is now building her support system – Her parents, her sister and now a caring adult who is invested in all children like Poorna.

During her school break, when she is planning to come home. Her sister comes to her support again. Her sister has her back and does not want Poorna to end up with the same fate as her. She must make a difficult choice again. ‘Do I go home, and risk being married off or do I go for a rock climbing trip?’ She chooses rock climbing and life changes forever for Poorna.

Praveen opens opportunities for young people like Poorna. He visits the program. He remembers her. He talks to her with respect and care. He gives her the sense that he is backing her. Poorna’s confidence is building. Now she has more supporters. Her rock climbing instructor who is tough with her but also encouraging. He notices that Poorna is special and validates her. He teaches her new skills and new ways of being. Praveen and her instructor now start building her vision, her aspiration and the medium of rock-climbing, intrinsically rich in developing Life Skills, becomes her tool to achieve her dreams.

Praveen pushes Poorna to find her reason to climb the Everest. For a purpose is key to accomplish such a challenging task and without purpose, he knows well, that she might give up when faced with difficulty. Poorna finds her purpose in the death of her sister and then there is no turning back.

All through the story, Praveen is also deeply respectful of Poorna’s choices even if they seem different from his own choices for her. This is critical for one to be truly a champion for young people. It is to know that the goal is for young people like Poorna to learn to make their choices for resilience emerges from the difficult choices we make in life. When Poorna decides to go ack home at the death of her sister and not pursue her dream, Praveen, while disappointed, does not show it, but backs her choice. When Poorna decides to make the Everest summit despite her illness, Praveen backs her again and lets her make her own choice. This will stand in good stead for Poorna for life.

And as one can see in the movie, the rest is history. Praveen, her parents, her sister through the poignantly beautiful letter she leaves for Poorna, her instructors, her colleagues like Anand are all her champions now. They are all seeding tenacity, resilience, healthy choice making, self-awareness, critical thinking in Poorna through their interactions with her. She has a village of champions now. 

That’s how Poorna learns to soar and that’s what gives Poorna the resilience to make through the last hurdles before she finally conquers The Everest. They are all by her side through her journey.

Children like Poorna who grow up in adversity don’t naturally have resilience. They need champions. They need us. We as parents, colleagues, teachers and every single adult have the capacity to become a champion for at least one child like Poorna around us. Let’s play our role. Let’s be that Champion and then the world is truly at their feet.

Holding Space for Failure

She was young, feisty, confident and all of 14. Rare traits in young people that come from adversity. She shone through the first two days of the camp like she belonged here. The nurturing environment fueled her creative confidence and helped her achieve new milestones. Her learning edge was challenged and she always loved a good challenge. 

Day 3 is usually a Youth Led Day at camp where young people are encouraged to lead workshops for their peers. She signed up to lead an art workshop. Known for her discipline, she prepared well. She had thought through her workshop, played it over many times in her head. She felt confident and was positive that she will sail through. 

The workshop tanked. She lost her confidence when she fumbled through her instructions. She struggled with some steps and it became all chaotic and messy. She lost her composure and just about managed to complete the allotted time. However, she saw something strange. No one left her workshop or abandoned her. No one sneered at her. Her peers, whom she didn't know well, held space for her and for her failure. 

Post the workshop, she cried and poured her heart out. She had never felt so much support before, definitely not when she had failed. She had grown up in an environment where success was expected of her. Being a girl, she had to fight harder to earn success and each success brought with it pressure to perform better. She didn't realize, she was holding herself back from being her best because she had become too scared to fail. There was no support for failures in her environment. 

Yet here, she had failed and no one had abandoned her. She realized she had permission to fail and in her failure she had achieved the biggest success of her life. She had learnt to not let failure destroy her. Her peers ensured that failure gave her strength. They held space for her to fail. Her tears were tears of joy and realization. She had a transformative life experience. 

According to Heather Plett, "Holding Space means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control."

This young woman experienced the power of Holding Space when she was going through her journey and it helped her discover things that she had no permission to feel before. This young woman is the embodiment of the power that each of us holds within us as human beings - the power to be empathetic towards ourselves and others.

The outdoor experiential camps at Dream a Dream use the Life Skills Approach to help young people transform and discover their true potential. One of the core tenets of these camps is to Hold Space for young people as they go through her personal journeys and discoveries. Since 2002, thousands of young people have discovered their confidence, resilience, empathy, creativity through these outdoor experiential camps.

Boys And Girls Can Never Be Friends

I grew up with two sisters – one elder and one younger. We had neighbours who have 4 children – 3 girls and 1 boy. I grew up with 2 of the girls who were closer to our age. My early years were filled with games and activities that the 5 of us did together. Hence, I didn’t recognize the difference between boys and girls until I joined school.

My first awkward experience around a girl was in my 4^th grade. I used to sit on the first bench sharing it with another girl. I have heard a story from my parents about how she kissed me on my cheek once. I was made fun off and embarrassed by my parents, teachers and friends. I don’t think I understood what the big deal was about.

In my 5^th grade, I used to sometimes participate in games with girls during lunch break and my boy friends used to laugh at me and make fun of me. Having grown up around girls, I didn’t understand what the fuss was about but definitely felt awkward and soon I stopped playing with them.

In my 7^th grade, I used to share my seat with another girl. Adolescence was setting in so while there was awkwardness, we soon overcame it and became good friends. Our 7^th grade class teacher was very special and encouraged both genders to sit together and interact. However, my class mates thought that was weird. Soon enough, there were rumours abound about us liking each other.  When she left school (her father was transferred to another city), I remember I cried and I missed her around for a long time. I have fond memories of how we used to compete to finish an algebra problem first.

During 7^th to 10^th grade, as full blown adolescence hit all of us, equations of friendships changed rapidly. We became more conscious of each other’s presence. While some of us explored, most of us were too shy and scared to explore. My parents made it abundantly clear that every girl in my class was my sister. During school assemblies, our principal made it a point to state that every boy and girl in your school was your brother and sister. Most giggled and some like me believed it to be true. During Raksha Bandhan (a local Indian festival where a sister ties a band on her brother’s wrist and a brother promises to protect and care for her), my hands would be filled with bands from my classmates.

It was during one of my co-curricular activities, I met my best friend for life. While we don’t stay in touch often now, we both share very special memories of our time together in school. She was possibly the first girl that I became truly close to. After our classes, I would often walk her to the bus stop and wait until she got her bus. I would then cycle home. Sometimes, we would stand by the bus stop and talk for hours – sharing our life stories, our dreams and our aspirations. It was one of my most special times. We had been to each other’s homes and while parents were suspicious, the stamp of approval came when we declared we were brother-sister. I don’t think we cared much as long we could be friends. Best friends. I am glad we still are. There were rumours. We were conscious. Concerned. Felt awkward at time. But, the relationship felt right.

Once, in my 10^th grade, our class was punished for missing our PE (Physical Education) class and we were made to write an imposition – “I will not miss PE class” 500 times. What a wasted punishment. Anyway, we did it. The next day when submitting my imposition, another teacher said it out loud, “Give him an additional 500 times imposition; I have seen him talking to and hanging out with girls!” I lost it and ran away sobbing uncontrollably in front of the whole school. I was a spectacle in front of the whole school and was called a sissy by many. Embarrassment galore. I was called into the Principal’s office, who was a lovely lady, but made it very clear, “I hear you hang out and talk to girls after school hours. You have been seen hanging out with a girl at the bus stop. We don’t allow such behavior in our school and I expect you to stop immediately. You are spoiling the reputation of the school. Being the School Captain, it is unbecoming of you.”

Luckily, I must say, at that time, she didn’t call and complain to my parents. I was an embarrassment in front of the whole school and felt deeply hurt and ashamed for no fault of mine.

I am glad that incident didn’t affect our friendship and we are the best of friends even today. I can’t even imagine the shame and embarrassment my friend must have gone through.

For years since then, I have struggled to build healthy relationships with the opposite gender. My early relationships with girls were fraught with guilt and shame. My view of myself, when I looked at women or felt attracted to them, always left me guilty and shameful. I never knew when my sisters got their first period, where the pads might have mysteriously disappeared and why on certain days during the month, my sisters missed school. I can’t even imagine the guilt and shame they might have grown up with.

Yet, at a certain age, I was expected to get married to a girl, make love to her, understand her, build a lifelong relationship with her and spend the rest of my life with her. I was expected to be able to communicate with this person, share a home with her and make her my best friend. I also have many colleagues at work who are women and I am expected to communicate and have a healthy working relationship with them. At this point, I have a woman as a colleague (in this case also my wife) who shares my vision and we are building an organization together. 

All of my life, I have heard messages to stay away from girls and then suddenly I am expected to work in the most important team of my life with a woman, and navigate life’s complex changes with a wife.

Am I missing something here? Do we see the irony of it?

The problem is deeply entrenched in the way we are bringing up children – be it parents or teachers. In our work at Dream a Dream, we come across young people every day (men and women) growing up in a gender insensitive environment. Young men saying they will beat up their wives because they have seen their fathers and uncles do it. Young women accepting violence from men because they have been taught to accept and endure.

“My parents want me to get married at 16. What can I do Uncle? They know best.”

“Women are all like this only. They want money and gifts and then they leave you and go.”

Judgments and impressions that are formed through hearsay and being exposed to a highly stereotypical media.

Growing up in a gender imbalanced world and then expecting to have a healthy relationship with the opposite gender is crazy. Today, I struggle to understand my wife, her views and opinions, her feelings and her needs and she struggles to understand mine. We often talk and wonder about how we are brought up in an environment where we hardly communicate with the opposite gender and are yet expected to magically resolve all our conflicts as adults. While we are still committed to work through this paradox, how many couples out there are stuck in unhappy marriages or walk out of them, because they don’t have the skills to deal with each other?

Creating healthy environments in schools for children of different genders to talk, share, interact and play together could solve the challenges they face in relationships as adults. Creating spaces and conversations that foster healthy relationships, empathy for each other, respect and dignity will help build healthy adult relationships. Dispelling stereotypes, guilt and shame around love, sex and friendships between genders will help build a positive self-identify and responsible behavior.

I know it’s taken me years to heal the scars left from those early gender experiences filled with guilt and shame and I wish we would stop perpetuating these experiences amongst children today.

I can still hear my mother telling me during one of our school picnics, “Stay away from women, smoking and alcohol!” I know she meant well but it really made it think of women as evil. I am grateful that deep down I didn’t believe it since my mother, being a woman, is an angel and I have found a best friend for life in my wife. 

A Memory, A Legacy Lives On - GM Row

It must have been the year 1998, nearly 17 years ago when I first met him. Mr. GM Row had Sharp, piercing eyes like he saw all the way into your heart and yet his eyes had kindness in them. He was on the Local Board of Advisors of AIESEC in Bangalore and brought a no-nonsense yet emphatic approach to engaging with us, young college students trying to take our first, uncertain steps into an adult world.

In 1999, when I applied for an International Student Exchange Programme through AIESEC, he was on my interview panel. My first ever interview in life and I was nervous. I distinctly remember he asked me to define Statistics. I went blank. My score of 94 in Statistics didn’t mean anything if I could not even define the subject. He must have seen something else in me. I passed the interview.

This was how I was first introduced to Mr. GM Row. I knew then that I will find a way to connect with this wonderful gentleman again and make him an important part of my life journey. He did go on to become a very dear friend, advisor and role-model for me in the years to come.

In 2002, when I embarked on my social entrepreneurial career, I attended a conference organized by Rotary and Bangalore Cares. Mr. Row was conducting a session on Fundraising and it is still one of the best sessions I have attended. In his unique style, he spoke about two fundamental rules – You need to ask and you need to say ‘thank you’. They became my core tenets. He shared a personal story of how he had sent hundreds of hand-written inland letters (those blue postal letters from another era) asking for donations from family and friends and successfully raised money for a cancer charity. The power of reaching out and asking for money without hesitation or embarrassment is what I learnt from him. For me, he continues to be one of the finest fundraisers that ever lived. The foundation of passionate fundraising came from that session and he became a role model.

Many years later, I had the privilege to work directly with him and my other role model Murray Culshaw when they invited me to join the Board of Bangalore Cares (now India Cares Foundation). Mr. Row and Mr. Culshaw are legends in the voluntary sector for their hardwork, commitment and support to several hundred charities and causes and I could let go of the opportunity to work with and learn from the best in the sector.

Working with Mr. Row gave me the rare opportunity to get to know him intimately. The various Board Meetings at his home, his sharp insights, his remarkable integrity and his unflinching commitment to transparency were traits I learnt from him. He also became a close friend and committed supporter of Dream A Dream. Every year, a letter, hand-written by him will come to my office with a donation to Dream A Dream and words of sincere encouragement. I cherish those letters.

Over the last few years, his health was failing him but not his spirit. He made sure he passed on the mantle of India Cares Foundation with a thorough transition. He continued to associate himself with multiple causes and raised tremendous amounts of money through the TCS 10K Run, infact, even being amongst the top 3 individual fundraiser in multiple years.

In April 2015, this amazing man, left us. He has left behind a rich legacy. A legacy of a stalwart in the sector, who has mentored and built many a social entrepreneur like me, helped us imbibe values of sincerity, honesty, commitment, integrity and a never-give-up spirit. They say people come into our lives for a reason; Mr. Row came into my life as a teacher, a mentor and a role-model par excellence.

Mr. Row, you have moved on and your legacy, values and generosity will live on in the hearts of people like me. You were truly a gentleman belonging to an age of grace, chivalry and integrity. I am eternally grateful to you for filling my life with your values and teaching me to live my life with utmost integrity and responsibility. You are missed and hope you know, wherever you are, you will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you.