Letting go! Am I ready?

My spate of health issues have continued through the year. It's been nine months now and I continue to grapple with persistent health issues. It is the longest I have been ill ever in my life. A recent realization is emerging as I am learning to quieten down. Are my persistent health issues this year  largely around things I don't have control over?

Let me explain. If you have a viral fever, a cold or a cough or even something more serious. Usually, you have control over the duration and/or course of action to deal with the illness. Moreover, there is certainty to the symptoms and impact it will have on your body. I realize my illness has been different.

I caught a stomach bug in early March and since then, without warning, I have bouts of vomiting and dizziness. It can happen at any moment and usually I am unable to establish the trigger. The doctors took six months to diagnose it as Helicobacter Pylori Infection (H Pylori) whose symptoms are recurring bouts of vomiting. I would be sitting working in office and I could have an attack. I could be watching a movie and a sudden sense of dizziness and nausea would lead to extended bouts of vomiting draining me off energy for the rest of the day. Some days would end with this while others would start with it.

A month back, I was diagnosed with Chronic Vertigo. Again, something totally out of my control. I could be walking on the street or working or just sitting a home doing nothing and I would suddenly have my world turn upside down and I would need to sleep it off for a few hours.

I have had to cancel meetings, travel plans, work schedules, meeting friends and family. My life has come to a stop. My day starts and ends with anxiety around this uncertainty. Will I get an attack today? Will I be around people who can care for me? Will I embarrass myself in front of strangers? Will it be manageable or will I need to go to the hospital? Have I taken on my medicines? What if it is more severe than last time?

Anxiety rules my day!

I kept wondering what this means? To have an illness that I don't have any certainty or control over. It could occur anywhere and at anytime without warning.

I wonder if it is giving me a message around letting go? Letting life lead me on; learning to give up control; learning to let go to things I am holding onto; learning to take it slow; learning to trust life; learning to trust my caregivers and learning to seek help.

I wonder if I am taking longer to heal because I am holding on; scared to let go?

Maybe, instead of my illness, I should focus on my inner churn. I should focus on letting go!!

2015: A Letter to Myself

I haven't been the right space of mind lately. An idea has been running in my mind to write a letter to myself and at the end of it, discover what it tells me. so, here goes...  

~ The year saw my elder sister take the entrepreneurial route, not so much out of her choice, as much as how some incidents played out in her life. It meant investing all her hard-earned savings of the last 15 years and take a complete detour from her life plan. She has been unrelenting in her resilience to stay the course, learn a new business, stay grounded and work tremendously hard to attempt to make it work.

~ My younger sister took the other plunge and got married to the love of her life. The year started with a beautiful and memorable wedding and it was just so amazing to see her traverse the first year of marriage with such grace. The love she and her husband share, the respect for each other and how they hold each other in their hearts is just beautiful. In all this medley, she continues to run her new business and learn the ropes of entrepreneurship.

I don't say this often but my sisters are an inspiration and role models to the many women who choose to walk with their head held high.

~ My best friend had a baby girl. I am over the moon and just so happy for them. She is just so adorable and it's even more adorable to see the doting parents. The first time I held her, I went weak in my knees and felt committed to create a better world for her. 

~ One of my closest friends got married to someone who brings just so much happiness in her life. They remind of the simplicity and eternity of love. I wish them the best of life and happiness. 

~ Reconnecting with my school mates, many of them after 21 years. The un-adulterated laughter, sheer happiness, many memories and deep connections we are sharing has helped me go back to my happy place in childhood. 

~ My travels (which I love) took me to Dubai, Copenhagen and Singapore for the first time this year. Dubai was about reconnecting with friends. Singapore was about discovering food and local communities. Copenhagen was just an amazing personal holiday combined with a conference. 

~ Reconnecting with my friends in Dubai and meeting their children for the first time. Feeling loved and cared for. I felt a deep connection to their 6-year old daughter and in her found the curiosity and yearning that life has for itself. She gives me so much hope for the world and made me feel alive with empathy and love. A bond we share today, that goes beyond age, to our souls. 

~ Continuing my exploration of food and getting more confident with my cooking. Food, its history, its culture, its connections and the love it brings within people and families. Excited to explore this part of me in 2016. I feel proud of the history and love for food that I have inherited from my family.

~ Seeing one of my closest friends make a graceful and most amazing transition from her organization and through the pain of it all, discovering the expanse that life holds for her. She taught me humility and grace in letting go. Thank you for considering me trustworthy to be part of this inner journey.

~ Being part of another friend's journey to take on leadership in her organization. Fighting her demons and winning them over; building her confidence and holding herself with dignity though the journey was a lesson in self-belief. 

~ Learning about a dear friend and mentor's illness was devastating. Feel overwhelmed and helpless. Yet, in this difficult time, he just shares joy, happiness and laughter with the world. He gives us the gift of his sharing and in making us part of his journey, he helps us cope with our own pain. 

~ Dream a Dream hosted its first ever conference - Change The Script. Our attempt to go deeper with our inner journeys, ask the difficult questions, listen to each other without judgment and build a larger eco-system invested in our children. The buildup was painful but the outcomes was awe-inspiring.

~ Change at Dream a Dream also came with a whole new brand launch. Our attempt to celebrate 15 years of hardwork with being bold and unapologetic with our ideas, approaches and work. This was combined with the move to a new office - More spacious, airy, colourful and living the bold and unapologetic message. 

~ Experiencing the power of young people in Changing The Script and claiming their dreams through the immense, often unfathomable, challenges that life throws at them. Being part of this extremely difficult journey with especially 4 young graduates this year from Dream a Dream showed me the power of just backing them, trusting them and willing them on follow their dreams. Vishnu, Nandish, Ranjith, Arun - you held me together.

~ Watching Suchetha live one of her best professional years yet and really show up with her soul was just the most heartening aspect of 2015. She today holds the soul of Dream a Dream together and she does it with so much care and empathy. The result is in the most amazing team we have; people who have turned corners and discovered their most awesome self; new people who have found purpose and many more who can't wait to be part of this journey. When I see Suchetha, she shows me the kind of leadership we need in this world today - that of care, empathy and deep personal work. She lives it daily and is the best representation of that in the work of Dream a Dream today.

~ 2015 is the year I say (and have said many times) that Dream a Dream is doing its best work ever. 15 years of trying, very hard and with intention and we are just about discovering that true, sustainable change happens only with taking young people and adults through their own journeys of transformation. We stay true to the path of truth and our only commitment is to solve the problem. Every moment of everyday, we have seen, heard and experienced powerful moments of transformation in 2015. 

 ~ This year Suchetha and myself also complete 2 years of being married. It has not being without its share of doubts, challenges and questions. We have shown each other the worst within us and yet felt safe that only we can see the worst of each other and be in love. In all our turmoils, we have given each other dignity and respect and that has kept us together. We also know that when we are in sync, we are amazing. Our best inner work and our best ideas happen when we are one soul in two bodies. We crave for those moments and when they happen, its magical. We are unstoppable and we love it. 

It's been a difficult year for me. Many internal turmoils, moments of doubts, boredom, immense helplessness and many a time overwhelming shock. World events and events closer to home have deeply impacted me and paralyzed me. I feel trapped and many a time, purposeless. On days, I find myself unable to even move beyond my couch. Suchetha has held me close in these moments and given me strength. Dream a Dream has helped me stay sane and the young people have given me hope. Everyday, I hold onto something to help me get through. Boy! Am I glad I have found something every day. 

Looking back, I realize how amazingly full and rich with milestones and experiences my year has been. Family, friends, mentors and strangers who have held me close and supported me. 

In 2016, I hope I can find within me the ability to let go of the gloom and embrace the simplicity that life continues to offer. As I recently read in an inspiring book about a 100-year old man, "Whatever will be, will be"!

My biggest Life Lesson came during lunch-break at School

I spent 13 years in School. These included countless hours inside the classroom learning physics, chemistry, history and mathematics. I loved most of the subjects. 

I memorized dates in History but was fascinated by stories of warriors and kings when they came alive.

Shakespeare's Julius Caesar was easy to remember from the comic book than the text book as I saw the illustrations and imagined a world from a bygone era.

I practiced algorithms and theorems and a few odd compounds in Chemistry but loved most when we mixed compounds in the lab and watched magic happen.

I spent days pouring over geography trying to understand the formation of clouds and volcanoes. I dreamt of being David Livingstone and discovering a new world on Earth like he discovered the Congo basin.

I loved Computers primarily because I had a huge crush on my teacher and I so wanted to impress her.

I loved Algebra because I was challenged by a girl and it was good fun to sometimes beat her. Though, I have never understood why we learnt Algebra.

I hated Physics primarily because the teacher could not care to explain.

I didn't much care for Hindi because the teacher spent most the class session telling us stories from his life rather than teaching. So on and so forth.

Yet, all I was expected to do was memorize and regurgitate it back during examinations. The hundreds of hours inside the classroom didn't give me a single life lesson that is worth remembering. My biggest life lesson came during our lunch break at School in my 6th grade.

Every lunch break, after gobbling up our lunch, we used to form two teams and race around our colonial styled school building in a relay format. 5-6 people in a team exchanging batons after completing a full school circle. Darting between scores of students, who were playing, running, jumping around, it was our own little Olympics. This particular year, our team was in shambles. We were consistently losing every single day of the school year and our hopes were grim. We tried making team changes but nothing seemed to click. One fine afternoon, we finished lunch and gathered around for a daily race. Something was different that day. I felt a sense of calm and in a moment of consciousness, I said to myself, “we will win today!”

The race began and with each exchange of baton the other team was expanding their lead. The fastest runners from each team were reserved for the last. The last person in my friend’s team got the baton and he raced away feeling confident of winning yet another race. I received the baton just as my opponent was making his first turn. I closed my eyes for a split second and repeated, “We will win today!”

When I opened my eyes, everyone around me turned into a blur – children jumping around, playing, walking – everyone just disappeared. I saw only my opponent as he was making the turn. I ran. I ran with a sense of calm confidence. I felt my feet flying just inches above the ground. At the third turn, I overtook my opponent. I saw from the corner my eye; he had frozen in his tracks. I knew we had won not just the race but every race thereafter. We won and I knew it.

Whenever I think back at my school days, this memory is the most vivid. For years, I didn’t understand why I remembered this incident so vividly. It always comes alive like it happened yesterday. Now, I know. My body, my mind and my soul remembers this incident because it is my biggest life lesson.

It gave me my self-belief. The belief that I can make Impossible POSSIBLE!

Every time I am down in the dumps, pushed to a corner, when things seem impossible, this single experience gives me the strength and resilience to fight back, to pull myself up, to rise above and to come alive again. An experience from an inane activity that happened during lunch break at school.

I believe we all have these moments from our childhood. If we look around, our children’s lives are rich with powerful learning moments that fundamentally shape them, transform them, and give them a sense of their identity. Our children are curious and hungry to learn, discover, make sense of this world. The constant questions, the insatiable hunger to know, the Whys - these are all indicators of life's longing for itself. 

It's time schools are transformed to be nurturing environments for such powerful moments not just at lunch break but also within the classroom. 

It's time we recognize that children are dropping out of the school system because they are not feeling engaged, challenged and inspired. They are not getting their powerful learning moments that will nurture them and help them discover who they are.

It's time we accept that if we want to save this planet, we need to invest in creating experiences of empathy, love, caring and self-belief in our children.

If we can't change then maybe we just need to have longer lunch breaks so the universe can nurture its children, inspite of us. Just like Kahlil Gibran’s memorable words…

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.”

Do Academic Outcomes Lead to Better Life Outcomes?

When I was in school, I was told by almost all my teachers and parents that I need to study and get good grades. I listened to them because I believed them. All through my growing up years - studying, memorizing and repeating it during examinations became my sole aim. I got good results too. I was in the top 5 in my class all through school and I took pride in that. I felt special and different. I was made to believe I was above the rest who would struggle with their studies and grades. I was made to believe I will have better life outcomes because I am good at my academics.

I was discouraged from Sports or any of my other interests. I let go of sports in my 7th grade even though I was one of the fastest athletes in my class and passionate about running. My teachers told to me to spend every free hour studying. I was even assigned to labeled slow students whom I had to teach during our breaks. It is a surprise I managed to stay committed to National Cadet Corps and Karate during those last few years of school when studying was everything. It almost defined if you would be successful in life. "Do you want to be a dud like x?", "Do you want to be failure like y?". These threats worked wonders and many of us studied and forced ourselves to get good grades because we believed our parents and teachers that good academic outcomes would lead to better life outcomes?

Its been 21 years since I left school, with flying colours, ofcourse. I have been in touch with quite a few of my friends from school and many others I know of. The startling revelation has been that nearly all of us, irrespective of our grades, are doing well in our lives. Software engineers, bankers, accountants, architects, doctors, counselors, artists, army personnel, teachers, merchant navy, consultants, pastor and even an odd social worker like me. Are the top graders doing better than the rest? Not the least bit. Are the low performers struggling with life? Not the least bit. Infact, I reckon that if I track down each of my classmates from my batch of 1994, I bet each one of them will be doing reasonably well with life.

Let me also mention that we were not an elite school from any sense of imagination. Our school was as diverse as they come. Daily wage workers, contract labourers, government service professionals, private service professionals and businessmen.

We also didn't get the best education. With 60-70 students in a class and a focus only on academic outcomes, it was not that our teachers focused on each student and managed to build in them a sense of belief and confidence. I remember many of my classmates who began to fall by the wayside in their academics were looked down upon by teachers and peers. Infact, I was discouraged from being friends with some of them because teachers felt that I lose my academic focus under their influence. Seating in classrooms was organized based on academic scores too.

How then, I wonder that all of us had better life outcomes? Maybe, just maybe, there is no correlation between academic outcomes and life outcomes? Are we even willing to challenge this assumption at a time when academic outcomes are increasingly critical in a highly competitive educational environment? In an environment where the government boasts of 100% enrollment in schools and wants each kid to master languages, sciences and mathematics, could we possibly be looking at the problem all wrong? In an environment, where funders believe when more kids stay in school, study well, graduate, go to college, graduate and get a job - are we possibly missing a critical point?  Are we pushing for better and better academic outcomes when that is no strong indicator that it results in better life outcomes?

In my work today. at Dream a Dream, we are working with some of the most vulnerable young people whose academic outcomes are not nearly close to even being average. Over the last 16 years, I have seen school dropouts, poor academic performers, the labeled "duds" and "slow learners" be the most intelligent, sensitive, smart and empathetic individuals and achieve remarkable life outcomes inspite of very poor learning outcomes.

Are we looking at learning all wrong? Are we stuck to an age old system that has long become redundant in the face of a fast changing world? Are we holding onto a system that is the last bastion of a key differentiator between success and failure in a class driven society?

Are we too rigid as a society to change a system that is clearly not working? Stopped working over 2 decades ago if my class is an indicator.

I wonder.