Last week over a dinner conversation with my boys, an interesting nuance emerged. Five of the boys had younger brothers and all of them were struggling in life. I did a quick think around other boys that I have worked with and realized that I know of at least 2 other young men whose younger brothers are struggling in life.
I asked the boys what are some of the reasons that their younger brothers are struggling and these were some of the responses
'They got more attention and care from parents because they were younger.'
'While I had to support my family through struggles of poverty and earning an income, they are enjoying the fruits of our hardwork.'
'They had more freedom.'
'They grew up in a time when the family was getting out of poverty so they didn't learn responsibilities the way I did.'
'It is the case of wrong company. Once they become part of a gang of troublemakers, it is difficult to get them back on track.'
'My mother does not believe they can do anything wrong. They get pampered at home.'
All of the above sound reasonable. However, the thing that does not sit well with me is why specifically the younger brothers. Some of the younger siblings have also been to Dream a Dream programs and yet they don't seem to have developed the Life Skills needed to make healthy life choices. Whereas, their older brothers seem to have developed the Life Skills that is helping them make healthy life choices, take responsibility, be sensitive and support their families to come out of poverty.
These young men are some of the most inspiring men I know. They deal with complex issues on a daily basis. It could be medical emergencies, displacement of homes, fights in the community, loss of jobs, marriage, relationships within family, fire hazards, health hazards, risk to life, conflict with law, poverty disputes, etc. Yet, they have shown tremendous grit and resilience to move forward in life and choose to Thrive. They are changing perceptions about themselves in their families and as they are becoming bread winners in their families, they are also taking decisions on behalf of their families. It is a joy to watch them take on life with positivity.
Yet, their siblings seem to be struggling. Even their struggles seem similar. They have dropped out of school or college; they are unable to keep a job for a long-time; they are unable to decide what they want out of life; they seem to be in conflict with the law; substance abuse; they seem to be part of a group of boys similar to them.
Challenges faced by their siblings are also dragging them down in their own life journey. Recently, a young man came into conflict with the law. His older brother was also taken in custody for questioning. Then there was the emotional layer of supporting his younger brother and helping him get out of prison. This meant requiring lawyers, money and ability to negotiate with the police since law does not follow its due process anyway. He managed all of this over 2-weeks of complex conflict and I could see that at the end of it, he was broken. He didn't know if having all this resilience and positive outlook was worth it. He didn't know if anything was worth it. It took tremendous mentoring to ensure he didn't spiral down the dark tunnel.
Another young man is struggling with the challenge that his brother is into drugs - taking them and also supplying them. He is fearful for himself and his family that they might get caught in this complex web of drug peddling. Yet, another young man has a brother who just sits around at home watching television the whole day. He expects to get food on his plate, pocket money for himself, cable television for his entertainment and yet does not expect to support his family to meet his and their needs.
I don't have an insight yet but the question has taken root in my head. Hopefully, the young men themselves will be able to give me an insight that might shape our work with young people. It has helped me realize that when we work with a young person, that person is not an isolated entity. He is deeply linked to his family, community, environment and surroundings and all of them play a considerable role in influencing his BEING and who is BECOMES.
The quest continues...
I asked the boys what are some of the reasons that their younger brothers are struggling and these were some of the responses
'They got more attention and care from parents because they were younger.'
'While I had to support my family through struggles of poverty and earning an income, they are enjoying the fruits of our hardwork.'
'They had more freedom.'
'They grew up in a time when the family was getting out of poverty so they didn't learn responsibilities the way I did.'
'It is the case of wrong company. Once they become part of a gang of troublemakers, it is difficult to get them back on track.'
'My mother does not believe they can do anything wrong. They get pampered at home.'
All of the above sound reasonable. However, the thing that does not sit well with me is why specifically the younger brothers. Some of the younger siblings have also been to Dream a Dream programs and yet they don't seem to have developed the Life Skills needed to make healthy life choices. Whereas, their older brothers seem to have developed the Life Skills that is helping them make healthy life choices, take responsibility, be sensitive and support their families to come out of poverty.
These young men are some of the most inspiring men I know. They deal with complex issues on a daily basis. It could be medical emergencies, displacement of homes, fights in the community, loss of jobs, marriage, relationships within family, fire hazards, health hazards, risk to life, conflict with law, poverty disputes, etc. Yet, they have shown tremendous grit and resilience to move forward in life and choose to Thrive. They are changing perceptions about themselves in their families and as they are becoming bread winners in their families, they are also taking decisions on behalf of their families. It is a joy to watch them take on life with positivity.
Yet, their siblings seem to be struggling. Even their struggles seem similar. They have dropped out of school or college; they are unable to keep a job for a long-time; they are unable to decide what they want out of life; they seem to be in conflict with the law; substance abuse; they seem to be part of a group of boys similar to them.
Challenges faced by their siblings are also dragging them down in their own life journey. Recently, a young man came into conflict with the law. His older brother was also taken in custody for questioning. Then there was the emotional layer of supporting his younger brother and helping him get out of prison. This meant requiring lawyers, money and ability to negotiate with the police since law does not follow its due process anyway. He managed all of this over 2-weeks of complex conflict and I could see that at the end of it, he was broken. He didn't know if having all this resilience and positive outlook was worth it. He didn't know if anything was worth it. It took tremendous mentoring to ensure he didn't spiral down the dark tunnel.
Another young man is struggling with the challenge that his brother is into drugs - taking them and also supplying them. He is fearful for himself and his family that they might get caught in this complex web of drug peddling. Yet, another young man has a brother who just sits around at home watching television the whole day. He expects to get food on his plate, pocket money for himself, cable television for his entertainment and yet does not expect to support his family to meet his and their needs.
I don't have an insight yet but the question has taken root in my head. Hopefully, the young men themselves will be able to give me an insight that might shape our work with young people. It has helped me realize that when we work with a young person, that person is not an isolated entity. He is deeply linked to his family, community, environment and surroundings and all of them play a considerable role in influencing his BEING and who is BECOMES.
The quest continues...
5 comments:
Hi Vishal,
While reading your blog I just recalled my childhood, I am a fifth child to my parents and I have younger brother too. When I was reading the blog I was able to connect a few parts and and incidents really connected to me and my brother (Fighting, helping others, watching television, sitting and expecting somebody will full fill my needs. It happened with my younger brother too.
But he was a moral and good example for me to deal with situations. Since my elder brothers and my father was decision makers and they neglected him but me and my mom was empathetic for him. This care and empathy became very less in his life because he had to fight for himself and he got thrown out from the home. What I was able to find out in him is he never ever gave up and still finding the ways. This inspired me a lot and stand up alone with lot of courage. Because we both hear each other and this made us to be in a good relationship. He is the person constantly helping me as role modelling in my life.
Time to ask the 'younger brothers' I would think.
I was also Reflecting on this from past one-week after this conversation thus i started observing young people why this is happening therefore from the life journey I have also faced some of the difficult situations but I have made that big shift bc the positive approach and engagement these are two things hitting me but still I am brooding about it, and thank you sir for bringing....
I too could resonate with the with this blog, I'm the youngest child, my sister and brother have also faced the worst and I was pampered and protected by all every time. Though I'm not irresponsible thanks to my elder siblings who had always guided me through all the paths of my life. But yet I have heard and come across similar stories among my friends and the solution to this is the right type of bonding between the siblings, that's one sure way to help things run on track.
Nice post. I learned some new information. Thanks for sharing.
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