It's not Poverty but lack of Life Skills

Poverty had never bothered him or his family. They lived within their means and lived with happiness. A family of four, both his parents worked. Father in a lathe factory and mother in a garment factory. He was in school and his sister was completing college. It was a frugal existence and a happy one. The family decided to take a small loan to support his sister's marriage. Both the parents had regular jobs so they were confident they will be able to repay it over time. Marriage was a simple and happy ceremony. 

Jacob was a bright student at school and loved by his teachers. He was a natural leader and took on many responsibilities in his school. He joined the Dream a Dream Life Skills Programmes through his school and thrived as he discovered his true potential. He also found his passion for Rugby through Dream a Dream and became one of the best Rugby players in the team. Rugby taught him resilience, discipline, looking out for each other, supporting his team mates and most importantly learning to get up when thrown down. He and his band of friends even started their own Rugby Community Club, coaching children in their slum next to a sewer. Children looked up to Jacob and his friends as role models and dreamed of growing up to be like them. Jacob completed school with flying colours and had dreams of going to college and playing Rugby for India. 

In a span of six months since he joined college, both his parents were diagnosed with acute diabetes and both of them lost their jobs. His parents tried to keep their stress away from Jacob but as the demands of debtors and the need to support a family became difficult, they reached out to Jacob for support. Overnight, his life turned around. He became the sole bread winner for the family and had to deal with the mounting debts and also take care of his ailing parents. He became an adult. 

What choices does a young man of 18 have in such circumstances? How does one make choices that are life altering at that age? Do we even have the maturity to make those choices? Jacob struggled with the same questions. It was time to test the Life Skills that he had developed. Once Jacob was out of the initial shock of becoming an adult overnight, he calmed down and reached out for advice from his mentors and coaches. He got a lot of good advice that helped him think through his options and make an informed choice. 

Jacob decided to drop out of college. It was a difficult decision but one that he had to make. He was working as a part-time Life Skills Facilitator and decided to apply for a full-time role. He decided to take on couple of additional jobs in the evening and over the weekend. He made a list of debtors and prioritized them. He learnt to renegotiate with some of them and buy more time. He was certain that he will clear all the debts because these people had supported his family in good faith and they deserved to have their money back. He learnt to communicate all his decisions with his family and seek their counsel. He was in constant touch with his mentor reaching out to him for advice and support. He managed to get some interest free loans and some contributions to reduce the burden of debt and mounting interest. He made monthly budgets and learnt to walk a tight rope of expenses for a whole year till he could clear some of the more critical loans. 

He had to also let go of his passion - Rugby. He knew it was temporary and he will jump right in when things were better. He got a full-time role and he knew he had to be the best since he could not afford to lose this job. He worked hard and worked longer hours. He learned well and became the best at his job. 

Today, Jacob is stable. Life continues to challenge this young man. His ailing parents need constant medical care. His dad has not managed to get work since he lost his job. He lost his grandfather recently and has an ailing grandmother. More that 50% of his monthly salary goes in clearing loans every month. Yet, the smile never leaves Jacob. He is doing extremely well at his job and has managed to participate in a few Rugby tournaments, slowly getting back to his passion. He still dreams of completing college one day. 

Looking back, I am grateful that Jacob had an opportunity to develop the Life Skills that he so needed to get through one of the most difficult life experiences. When working with young people coming from adversity, we have learned that its not poverty that holds them back. It's the lack of abilities to help them overcome life situations that poverty throws at them. We understand Life Skills as, "abilities for positive and adaptive behaviour that help an individual deal with challenges of daily living." 

It was the Life Skills that Jacob had that helped him overcome his life situation. He didn't crumble, he didn't give up. He used this ability to seek support, he negotiated, he learnt to interact with others, he learnt to take initiative, he learnt to manage his own emotions, he learnt empathy for himself, his family and his debtors. He learnt to make tough choices, stay resilient and happy through those choices. Jacob taught me the true meaning of empowerment - that which enable people to take charge of their lives. 

Holding Space for Failure

She was young, feisty, confident and all of 14. Rare traits in young people that come from adversity. She shone through the first two days of the camp like she belonged here. The nurturing environment fueled her creative confidence and helped her achieve new milestones. Her learning edge was challenged and she always loved a good challenge. 

Day 3 is usually a Youth Led Day at camp where young people are encouraged to lead workshops for their peers. She signed up to lead an art workshop. Known for her discipline, she prepared well. She had thought through her workshop, played it over many times in her head. She felt confident and was positive that she will sail through. 

The workshop tanked. She lost her confidence when she fumbled through her instructions. She struggled with some steps and it became all chaotic and messy. She lost her composure and just about managed to complete the allotted time. However, she saw something strange. No one left her workshop or abandoned her. No one sneered at her. Her peers, whom she didn't know well, held space for her and for her failure. 

Post the workshop, she cried and poured her heart out. She had never felt so much support before, definitely not when she had failed. She had grown up in an environment where success was expected of her. Being a girl, she had to fight harder to earn success and each success brought with it pressure to perform better. She didn't realize, she was holding herself back from being her best because she had become too scared to fail. There was no support for failures in her environment. 

Yet here, she had failed and no one had abandoned her. She realized she had permission to fail and in her failure she had achieved the biggest success of her life. She had learnt to not let failure destroy her. Her peers ensured that failure gave her strength. They held space for her to fail. Her tears were tears of joy and realization. She had a transformative life experience. 

According to Heather Plett, "Holding Space means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control."

This young woman experienced the power of Holding Space when she was going through her journey and it helped her discover things that she had no permission to feel before. This young woman is the embodiment of the power that each of us holds within us as human beings - the power to be empathetic towards ourselves and others.

The outdoor experiential camps at Dream a Dream use the Life Skills Approach to help young people transform and discover their true potential. One of the core tenets of these camps is to Hold Space for young people as they go through her personal journeys and discoveries. Since 2002, thousands of young people have discovered their confidence, resilience, empathy, creativity through these outdoor experiential camps.

Letting go! Am I ready?

My spate of health issues have continued through the year. It's been nine months now and I continue to grapple with persistent health issues. It is the longest I have been ill ever in my life. A recent realization is emerging as I am learning to quieten down. Are my persistent health issues this year  largely around things I don't have control over?

Let me explain. If you have a viral fever, a cold or a cough or even something more serious. Usually, you have control over the duration and/or course of action to deal with the illness. Moreover, there is certainty to the symptoms and impact it will have on your body. I realize my illness has been different.

I caught a stomach bug in early March and since then, without warning, I have bouts of vomiting and dizziness. It can happen at any moment and usually I am unable to establish the trigger. The doctors took six months to diagnose it as Helicobacter Pylori Infection (H Pylori) whose symptoms are recurring bouts of vomiting. I would be sitting working in office and I could have an attack. I could be watching a movie and a sudden sense of dizziness and nausea would lead to extended bouts of vomiting draining me off energy for the rest of the day. Some days would end with this while others would start with it.

A month back, I was diagnosed with Chronic Vertigo. Again, something totally out of my control. I could be walking on the street or working or just sitting a home doing nothing and I would suddenly have my world turn upside down and I would need to sleep it off for a few hours.

I have had to cancel meetings, travel plans, work schedules, meeting friends and family. My life has come to a stop. My day starts and ends with anxiety around this uncertainty. Will I get an attack today? Will I be around people who can care for me? Will I embarrass myself in front of strangers? Will it be manageable or will I need to go to the hospital? Have I taken on my medicines? What if it is more severe than last time?

Anxiety rules my day!

I kept wondering what this means? To have an illness that I don't have any certainty or control over. It could occur anywhere and at anytime without warning.

I wonder if it is giving me a message around letting go? Letting life lead me on; learning to give up control; learning to let go to things I am holding onto; learning to take it slow; learning to trust life; learning to trust my caregivers and learning to seek help.

I wonder if I am taking longer to heal because I am holding on; scared to let go?

Maybe, instead of my illness, I should focus on my inner churn. I should focus on letting go!!