Learning To Embrace Anxiety

It is 30th December 2023 as I sit to pen my reflections of the last two years - 2022 and 2023. Two intense years of my life. However, I cannot reflect on these two years unless I talk about a significant shift in my very being. 

2022 started on a great note. It was the end of the pandemic, and the world was beginning to move forward. I could not wait to get back to my travels and reconnect with all the inspiring people in my life across the world. The first half of 2022 took me to Austria, Jerusalem, Tanzania and Zanzibar. It included many local trips to Delhi, Jharkhand and Nagaland. I was back after the long hibernation of the pandemic and eager to go. 

My body wasn't. After a second bout of COVID in-between my travels, I did not stop and surged ahead. While my body was hurting and ill, I pushed through my travels to Jerusalem, Tanzania and Zanzibar and finally a week in Nagaland. My mind was driven, my body was cracking. I remember coming back from Nagaland and my body collapsed completely as I had a complete nervous breakdown. I developed intense anxiety and for two months, I was too scared to step out of my own home. 

I remember stepping out for a haircut to a salon twenty metres away from home and I was shit scared, I was palpitating, developing intense body pain, my stomach was churning, I was sweating profusely, and I felt like it was the end of the world. It took me many many months before I could step back to a salon without an anxiety attack. 

On another occasion, I was catching up with a dear friend for lunch about one hundred metres from home. The anxiety started building up from the morning of our meetup. I met her at noon and my body was already in high alert mode. Joint pains, palpitations, intense headache, breathlessness and a feeling of doomsday. Within 15-minutes, I could not sit there anymore, and I needed her to drop me home. It took a few hours after that incident to find my bearings again.

While I have been living and dealing with depression for a few years now. This was new. I did not understand any of this. I have never felt like this before, ever. Who am I becoming? What is happening to me? I felt something was terribly wrong with me and I could not figure out what? I started cancelling on meeting with friends, work meetings in person, visiting parents and being in social situations. The fear gripped me. The fear of, 'I don't know what will happen if I step out so its best I stay at home.' I was scared, very scared. 

This also resulted in multiple medical complications and aggravation of old issues. My stomach could not hold food down during an anxiety episode. Vertigo was back with a vengeance. Migraine attacks, body pain, cramping of the joints, high BP and Cholesterol, low B12 and D3 and extreme fatigue. We would address one issue, and another would crop up.

In July 2022, I had intense pain in my abdomen and after 3 extremely painful days, I found out that I had kidney stones. I was in the hospital for pain management in the morning and we had a book launch of my maiden book of poetry, 'My Soul Stirring' the same evening. It was a surreal weird day. 

New doctors, many medical tests, multiple medical complications, tons of new medications and I was drained - physically, mentally and emotionally. My doctor said it aptly, 'Your body is carrying so much trauma and stress that it has lost all ability to manage any stress at all.' Taking day-to-day decisions, stepping out of the home, meeting family and friends, responding to emails, meeting deadlines, daily news and any kind of conflict would trigger bouts of anxiety. Even something as simple as taking a decision of a meal preference was causing anxiety. 

I was embarrassed to step out. I did not want to tell people I am dealing with anxiety. I did not want to embarrass myself in social situations with wanting to leave abruptly so I stayed at home. Stepping out now meant carrying a whole lot of medicines, SOS tablets for anxiety and my partner accompanying me. 

Work took a backseat, and I was barely able to keep up with commitments. I had a beautifully sensitive team of colleagues who understood, never asked questions and supported me. There would be days when I would just sleep through the day. I would get up, have a meal, catch-up on a few emails and then exhaustion would take over. I would sleep again. I was constantly tired like my body needed all the rest I could grab. 

My partner, able doctors, therapists and I worked through it all of 2022 and I was getting visibly better. Therapy, medications and counsel of good doctors helped me get through the year and slowly rebuild my resilience. The medications began to work and calm my body down. It involved tons of rest and accepting that I needed it and could not feel guilty for it. It involved learning to say 'NO' and it involved accepting that I am dealing with anxiety, and I had to embrace it if I wanted to change it. I had to learn to not make anxiety my identity but look at it as a medical problem that can be resolved. I had to learn to normalise it and talk about it without guilt and shame. This was the toughest. I had to learn to prioritise my needs over the needs of my partner, family, work, friends and others. I was getting better.

Cut to February 2023, my father had a stroke, and he was in hospital for 5 1/2 months until we lost him. During those months, I along with my family had to be there for him every single day and that unfortunate life event propelled me out of my anxiety as I spent every day in hospital with him, caring for him and being there for him as he dealt with the complexities of his life situation. 

I believe that the nervous breakdown came into my life, at the time it did, to help me stop, slow down, take a pause and prioritise my wellbeing so I could be strong and available for my dad when he fell ill. If I had continued in my old ways, I would have probably committed to multiple international engagements and would not have been there for my dad. If I had the nervous breakdown when I dad fell ill, I would not have been able to care for him and support my family through this crisis. The nervous breakdown and the anxiety happened when it happened so that when my dad and family most needed me, I could be there for them a hundred percent. The anxiety was a boon in disguise. 

We lost him in July 2023. After completing all formalities, I got a breather and the anxiety lurked back again. This time I was better prepared. 

My doctor announced that I had no physical symptoms of any illness and that we were going to stop all medications. She let me know that I was dealing with psychological issues which were getting manifested in the physical body. We moved to a new psychiatrist and now moved to just one medication for depression and anxiety. Since July 2023, I have had fewer and fewer episodes of anxiety, I am much better in social situations, I am meeting friends and family and after a hiatus of nearly 1 1/2 years, I took my first flight and have since done three domestic trips across India. Travel anxiety persists and I do not enjoy travel at all anymore. I am not sure when I might be able to do international travel again, but I am working through it. I still carry my SOS tablets and just knowing that I have them gives me confidence. 

I have realized and learnt that this is a new reality for me now and I have learnt to embrace it. This means that there are some things I will not be able to do in life and I am learning to accept it. I have learnt that instead of hiding from it, I can embrace and bring my family and friends into supporting me with it. 

I still have moments of fear, shame and guilt. I have my terrible days. I have anxiety episodes and sometimes it takes me days to recover from them, but I have also come a long way from where I was in June 2022. Friends and family have held me close, given me strength, visited me, shared laughter with me, sat in silence with me, watched me cry and be helpless and believed in me. These journeys are difficult alone and I am eternally grateful that I have such a massive support system and most importantly a partner who is an absolute rock in my life.