Resilience in Adversity

In many conversations, around the world, I have had well-wishers who have always remarked that children who grow up in adversity have more resilience, so they are likely to do well in life. I have always cringed at this naïve correlation between adversity and resilience. I agree, some children growing up in adversity do have higher resilience, but that resilience needs a champion and needs a support system for it to truly help a child thrive.

A powerful way to explain this is through the story of Poorna (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poorna:_Courage_Has_No_Limit), one of the youngest girl to climb Mount Everest at the age of 13 years and 11 Months. If you haven’t seen this inspiring true story made into a movie by Rahul Bose called ‘Poorna’, do watch it and one will understand what I am trying to say.

Poorna is born and grows up in abject poverty. She has loving and supportive parents, but they don’t know much and are easily influenced by people and circumstances around them. Her first champion is her elder cousin sister who teachers Poorna her first life lessons, about not giving up, having a dream and doing everything you can to achieve your dreams. Even choosing to run away from home. It is in this relationship that Poorna’s tenacity and resilience are seeded.

Poorna’s father does put her in a government residential school but not because he is invested in her education but because he doesn’t have money to get her married immediately. When left with a choice to be in school or leave this new school (which has not been what she expected), she chooses to run away again. Not a choice made from resilience but out of disappointment. She doesn’t yet have the life skills to make a healthy life choice. Had this choice become true, she would probably have got married soon and her life trajectory would have been different.

Here she found her champion, IAS officer, Dr R S Praveen Kumar. In his very first interaction, which is beautifully captured in the movie, he shows care, respect and creates safety and trust in the relationship which helps Poorna make a different choice. One can see, she is now building her support system – Her parents, her sister and now a caring adult who is invested in all children like Poorna.

During her school break, when she is planning to come home. Her sister comes to her support again. Her sister has her back and does not want Poorna to end up with the same fate as her. She must make a difficult choice again. ‘Do I go home, and risk being married off or do I go for a rock climbing trip?’ She chooses rock climbing and life changes forever for Poorna.

Praveen opens opportunities for young people like Poorna. He visits the program. He remembers her. He talks to her with respect and care. He gives her the sense that he is backing her. Poorna’s confidence is building. Now she has more supporters. Her rock climbing instructor who is tough with her but also encouraging. He notices that Poorna is special and validates her. He teaches her new skills and new ways of being. Praveen and her instructor now start building her vision, her aspiration and the medium of rock-climbing, intrinsically rich in developing Life Skills, becomes her tool to achieve her dreams.

Praveen pushes Poorna to find her reason to climb the Everest. For a purpose is key to accomplish such a challenging task and without purpose, he knows well, that she might give up when faced with difficulty. Poorna finds her purpose in the death of her sister and then there is no turning back.

All through the story, Praveen is also deeply respectful of Poorna’s choices even if they seem different from his own choices for her. This is critical for one to be truly a champion for young people. It is to know that the goal is for young people like Poorna to learn to make their choices for resilience emerges from the difficult choices we make in life. When Poorna decides to go ack home at the death of her sister and not pursue her dream, Praveen, while disappointed, does not show it, but backs her choice. When Poorna decides to make the Everest summit despite her illness, Praveen backs her again and lets her make her own choice. This will stand in good stead for Poorna for life.

And as one can see in the movie, the rest is history. Praveen, her parents, her sister through the poignantly beautiful letter she leaves for Poorna, her instructors, her colleagues like Anand are all her champions now. They are all seeding tenacity, resilience, healthy choice making, self-awareness, critical thinking in Poorna through their interactions with her. She has a village of champions now. 

That’s how Poorna learns to soar and that’s what gives Poorna the resilience to make through the last hurdles before she finally conquers The Everest. They are all by her side through her journey.

Children like Poorna who grow up in adversity don’t naturally have resilience. They need champions. They need us. We as parents, colleagues, teachers and every single adult have the capacity to become a champion for at least one child like Poorna around us. Let’s play our role. Let’s be that Champion and then the world is truly at their feet.

Second Brothers

Last week over a dinner conversation with my boys, an interesting nuance emerged. Five of the boys had younger brothers and all of them were struggling in life. I did a quick think around other boys that I have worked with and realized that I know of at least 2 other young men whose younger brothers are struggling in life.

I asked the boys what are some of the reasons that their younger brothers are struggling and these were some of the responses

'They got more attention and care from parents because they were younger.'

'While I had to support my family through struggles of poverty and earning an income, they are enjoying the fruits of our hardwork.'

'They had more freedom.'

'They grew up in a time when the family was getting out of poverty so they didn't learn responsibilities the way I did.'

'It is the case of wrong company. Once they become part of a gang of troublemakers, it is difficult to get them back on track.'

'My mother does not believe they can do anything wrong. They get pampered at home.'

All of the above sound reasonable. However, the thing that does not sit well with me is why specifically the younger brothers. Some of the younger siblings have also been to Dream a Dream programs and yet they don't seem to have developed the Life Skills needed to make healthy life choices. Whereas, their older brothers seem to have developed the Life Skills that is helping them make healthy life choices, take responsibility, be sensitive and support their families to come out of poverty.

These young men are some of the most inspiring men I know. They deal with complex issues on a daily basis. It could be medical emergencies, displacement of homes, fights in the community, loss of jobs, marriage, relationships within family, fire hazards, health hazards, risk to life, conflict with law, poverty disputes, etc. Yet, they have shown tremendous grit and resilience to move forward in life and choose to Thrive. They are changing perceptions about themselves in their families and as they are becoming bread winners in their families, they are also taking decisions on behalf of their families. It is a joy to watch them take on life with positivity.

Yet, their siblings seem to be struggling. Even their struggles seem similar. They have dropped out of school or college; they are unable to keep a job for a long-time; they are unable to decide what they want out of life; they seem to be in conflict with the law; substance abuse; they seem to be part of a group of boys similar to them.

Challenges faced by their siblings are also dragging them down in their own life journey. Recently, a young man came into conflict with the law. His older brother was also taken in custody for questioning. Then there was the emotional layer of supporting his younger brother and helping him get out of prison. This meant requiring lawyers, money and ability to negotiate with the police since law does not follow its due process anyway. He managed all of this over 2-weeks of complex conflict and I could see that at the end of it, he was broken. He didn't know if having all this resilience and positive outlook was worth it. He didn't know if anything was worth it. It took tremendous mentoring to ensure he didn't spiral down the dark tunnel.

Another young man is struggling with the challenge that his brother is into drugs - taking them and also supplying them. He is fearful for himself and his family that they might get caught in this complex web of drug peddling. Yet, another young man has a brother who just sits around at home watching television the whole day. He expects to get food on his plate, pocket money for himself, cable television for his entertainment and yet does not expect to support his family to meet his and their needs.

I don't have an insight yet but the question has taken root in my head. Hopefully, the young men themselves will be able to give me an insight that might shape our work with young people. It has helped me realize that when we work with a young person, that person is not an isolated entity. He is deeply linked to his family, community, environment and surroundings and all of them play a considerable role in influencing his BEING and who is BECOMES.

The quest continues...