Discipline around my physical health has been my achilles heal for the longest time. I had a story in my head which had become a limiting belief that I just can't commit myself to a physical activity discipline. Support has come in many ways. Encouragement to go for yoga classes, join a gym, accompanying me on my walks, offering to come join me in a sport, treks, hikes, etc.
I sometimes tried, got exhausted and let it go. Many a time, I even refused to try giving an excuse or another. I would start a regime of going on walks and then be exhausted after a few days and give up. I would have something or someone to blame. Living with mental health challenges further bundled with a host of physical issues has always been a good reason to not try or give up quickly.
In the middle of 2024, we had found solutions to most of my physical ailments - be it medications, therapy, physiotherapy, stress-free enviroment, reduced workload, learning to say 'NO', CPAP machine, etc. Yet, I didn't feel well enough. I felt the doctor was still missing something. My doctor, a remarkable woman, said, 'Vishal, I am clearing you. There is nothing more I can offer you. Now, its upto you. You have to take charge of getting better because now its all in your head.'
For sometime, I was very angry with her. How can she just give up on me? I don't feel well. I believe she is not listening to me anymore. As I calmed down, reflected, I realised I must feel elated and joyful. This is a moment of celebration. The challenges I was carrying for over a decade and believed will never be solved were now getting solved. I had finally received a clean bill of health. Wow! It was a strange realization - Who am I if not for my illness which has become my identity? What will I tell myself, my family and friends now? Sharing stories of how ill I am had become a badge of honour that I wore with pride and shame. How can I suddenly let go of the identity that had defined me. Slowly, I relaxed, let go and finally breathed a huge sigh of relief. I cried with joy and felt lighter.
Soon after, I don't remember the exact moment but one fine morning, I woke up at 5 am (thanks to my cat, Mishtu who believes his core existence is to ensure I am woken up at 5 am), I didn't feel irritated or angry and I decided to go for a walk. My partner had been recommending audible. Downloaded it, got a book, 'The Autobiography Of A Yogi' and my journey had begun.
4-5 kms a day, listening to Ben Kinsley narrate the book, embracing the beauty of spring in Bangalore. Watching the gorgeous grand, old trees; taking in the mixed perfumes of the spring flowers in full bloom; my mind and body finally in sync. I began walking daily.
Yesterday, I completed 31 days of walking (out of 34) wherein I completed my daily goals. I have walked 398,876 steps. Now, as I wake up every morning, my body urges me to step out and get going. Feeding the cats, finishing morning chores, getting supplies ready for the cook and I am off.
I completed the book, got onto another book, paused a bit and started listening to the 'On Being' podcast by Krista Tippett and on some days relished my playlist of songs.
I am healing! I am getting better! I am beginning to feel it in my bones and I wanted to celebrate this moment.
