Redemption, Seeking my Forgiveness

I didn't do much when I first heard the brutality
I didn't join the protests
Neither did I sign petitions.
I prayed for strength to help you get through
I watched in disbelief as the politics unfolded
I went into a shell when friends spoke about it.

I shivered and shuddered at the gory details
shared in magazines and newspapers.
I tried to imagine how horrifying it must have been
to go through that night
but it was too painful
just to imagine and I left it there

I felt raw anger at the perpetrators
On many nights, I imagined buying a gun
and shooting them down
just to release my own pain.

I felt guilty
I knew I had failed you
I knew I was as guilty
just as the four who committed the crime
I didn't know how to forgive me
living in my own guilt
day in and day out

Today when my loving girlfriend
drives home late
I am on tenterhooks
till she reaches home safe
I know I have imagined
following her home
just to be sure
she is safe

My world has changed
as your world changed
Yours more brutally
mine more subtly
Change it indeed has.

The verdict was passed yesterday.
They got a punished
Arguably not enough by many
One got a lot less
He happened to be a few months
younger than an adult.
I saw their pictures.
I looked into their eyes
I saw the brutality
I felt a shiver down my spine
as I imagined
how innocent their faces looked
and how brutal their intentions were.

Yet,
I search for the child.
The child that lives
Inside each of them

The child
with a smile to melt a heart
taking their first baby steps
the chuckle
the gibberish as they learnt to speak
the twinkle in their eye
when they discovered the world
the curiosity with which
they embraced the world
the laughter, the chitter-chatter
the hugs and their selfless love.

I saw my 2-year old nephew in them
the confident and wavering first steps
the curiosity to take on life
the fascination with everything new
the obsession with learning, absorbing, soaking in the world.

I wonder when that innocence was taken away
Why that innocence was taken away
Was it the rejection, the neglect, the abuse?
Was it the beatings, the admonitions, the environment?
Where did love replace so much hatred
When did love replace so much hatred
Was there love ever?

I am aching to feel, to understand
their first seed of hatred,
the brutality that took over the sparkle,
the abuse that took over the twinkle,
the beatings that replaced the love.

I hear that child cry
incessantly and infinitely
helpless and hopeless
I see that child die
the day their brutality overtook them
The child cries for help
Is anyone listening?

Words fail me
I attempt to weave their life
meet their innocent child
meet them at that place in their life
where hatred met them
and show them the path of love
I so wish I was there when they made the choice
I so wish I could show them the path of love

I know the child wanted it
the child craved for it
the child needed it
yet we failed.

We failed you
We failed that child living inside each of them
We failed your faith in humanity

I make a promise
Not of justice
but of commitment
to reach children like the four
and fill their life with love
weed out their brutality
Ensure it never makes home again in their innocent heart.

I will
tirelessly
bring love
into the life
of every child
that I possibly can

In that
Nirbhaya
I may find
my forgiveness.