Honour

Call me an Idealistic fool or a Naïve person but words like Honour and Commitment to one's word are values I grew up with and values that I chose to embrace. As I child, of all the values that were presented to me, a few stuck more than others and Honour was one of them. I remember my Grandmother telling me stories of my Grandfather that for him, Honour and keeping his word were more paramount even at the expense of great personal sacrifice to him. More recently I remember my dad sharing with me stories of his dad and how he honoured every commitment he made. Even in difficult times, he would skip a meal but keep his commitment to a debtor or a poor man he fed or a poor family he supported.

Of all the values that life offered me, I was drawn towards the stories of people who lived their life on the commitments they made, in most cases verbal and that was enough.

As I reconcile to the decision we took yesterday, I do so with a very deep sense of pain and loss that I did not stand by my values and that I let me values down. I kept thinking of an intelligent reason to make the decision work for me. However, the only reason that still remains is that I would like to honour my commitments. I am deeply pained that Honour was  chosen to be important if it was a donor but not important if its a consultant and I wonder if Honour can be discriminated based on who it is for. I wonder how a consultant, also a human being, is not an important enough person to  honour our commitment to but a donor is. I wonder how we chose to differentiate?

With a deep sense of pain, I accept this decision because most important of all I did not chose to stand by my values. For 14 years, the organization and me have not been separate and I realize that they never will be because we have each shaped the other and our values have been deeply intertwined. To be told now that I am naïve to mix my personal values and equations with the organization is being naïve is new, confusing and disrupting to me. In the objective world, it is probably right but in my world, my personal has always been my political.

I accept the decision because I failed to stand for myself. I failed to just say that it has been because of my personal values and my personal approach to building an organization that both me and this organization stand tall today. The world might accuse me of any flaws but can never accuse me of having values different from the organization or vice-versa.

I wonder when I will find the strength to stand for what I believe. I wonder if words/commitments have no meaning in this world anymore. I wonder if values can be distinguished between the rich, so called important donor and a not so important consultant - that one becomes more important in our exercise of honour and the other doesn't (that we can pay off someone's deep sense of commitment to the cause as a not so important effort). I wonder if I will ever find the courage to stand for and break this dual value system in my world or if I will be a perpetual failure.

I don't think I will ever be able to give my word to anyone ever again.